Episode #279 Deafening Doubt in Depression-Anxiety

Doubt is the enemy of faith and during depressive episodes the chemistry of the body pushes the individual to doubt everything from their worthiness to their own personality.  Understanding this principle of depression can help to overcome serious issues both physically and spiritually during an episode.

Transcript

I have been asked what is and was the most difficult thing for you spiritually with your depressions and anxiety.  I admit that the emotional pain, lack of desire and the limited access to the Spirit are certainly near the top but they weren’t the most difficult issue that I faced during depressions at least spiritually.  I would say that most individuals who suffer would likely say the same thing as I would, deafening reoccurring doubt.  I know that this doesn’t seem like a major issue compared to perhaps a deep emotional pain and darkness but as a member of the church, the reoccurring doubt that accompanies each depression coupled with the limited access to the Spirit is a compounding problem of enormous ramifications.  If I had to tell you what caused me more issues than anything else, it would be to say that every time I experienced a depressive episode, the self-doubt and spiritual doubts would all return with great force.  

The secondary problem is the moment that the doubts returned with the depression I began to have limited spiritual abilities to fight it.  Now most of us experience normal question doubts concerning doctrinal and perhaps policy issues within the gospel.  Questions and the accompanying feeling of doubt if faced appropriately can be good opportunities to augment our testimonies of spiritual elements of the gospel.  There is nothing inherently wrong with question doubt in the sense that it spurs the appropriate question, searching and then eventually answers.  However, doubt turned into action without asking questions and honestly seeking answers can be damaging on a variety of levels and not just in spiritual matters.  It can cause one to take roads and paths that have no real direction or planning and are based only on emotional preference.  Basically this turns doubt into truth without a method of resolving the doubt.

Doubt or questioning the unknown in and of itself is really how we learn and is a principle of the gospel.  This questioning leads to greater understanding and testimony if approached in an appropriate and structured manner.  It is important that we don’t place unnecessary restrictions on the questions we have.  I know that this doesn’t seem structured to avoid restrictions but restrictions are problematic when it comes to honest answers.  Often we use our doubt to begin to place serious restrictions on what we will believe and how the answer to our question should come.  For instance, requiring a physical manifestation of a spiritual truth, often know as seeking a sign.  We shouldn’t place these restrictions on the question or the answer.  If we truly seek and honest answer from the Lord he will provide it.  We simply need to make sure that we are asking the correct question of the Lord.  Trying to hide our intent will not produce accurate results.  Our desires must be sincere and the question open to the Lord providing for our questions with further questions helping us to refine what we are looking to answer.  If our question is regarding a doctrinal principle, it is important to fully understand the principle before the questioning begins.  Often during our examination of the principle the answers to the questions come to us through scriptures, prophetic talks, and other sources.  I have even found that the answers come in more than one way.  Structure of the question-doubt and the methods we use to obtain answers are as important as the question. This type of what you might call a missing knowledge-truth question is probably described as doubt more often than not when individuals are searching for spiritual truths.  My purpose for describing this type of questioning is to distinguish it from what occurs in depression.  While feelings might be similar, depression doubt does not necessarily appear due to a question-doubt or any other concern except for the chemistry of the body.

The depression type of doubt is much more severe and widespread in its ability to cause one to question the realities and faith of the gospel.  It doesn’t simply attack at the fringes where you might have had lingering questions or don’t understand the doctrine.  The depression doubt strikes at the core of the testimony.  It is an overwhelming feeling of distrust, disagreement, disconcerting feeling that something is not right.  I have often explained it as an argument that occurs internally about what you are feeling and what you know.  The feeling of dread and doubt overwhelms the spiritual and physical systems.  You doubt yourself, your worthiness, your abilities, the truth, what you believe, what you desire, who you are as a person.  The doubt goes deep and you begin to doubt everything about what you know to be true and even yourself.

Two of the worst doubts are worthiness (your ability to live truth), and what you believe (what you believe to be true).  This doubt creates such a distress in your thought patterns that you begin to believe that you are being punished for unworthiness.  Meaning that sometime somewhere you have committed an error grievous enough to fit the punishment you are receiving and it feels serious.  If you can’t find something current that would count as sufficient then the mind begins to drudge up ever error, sin, mistake, weakness, ill conceived thought that you have ever had and to tell you that if it isn’t at least one of those issues it might be a combination or all of them.  At first, my reaction was to simply dismiss it as it didn’t make sense but the longer the feeling stays the more convinced you are of your unworthiness.  As anyone could imagine, if you reapplied every mistake you had made in your life to a level of unworthiness you wouldn’t feel much like attending church or any meeting for that matter.  It doesn’t matter that what you are thinking isn’t true because you feel the unworthiness at such as level as to make it true.  Feelings are reality to almost everyone and that is especially true to those suffering.

To add to this level of unworthiness doubt difficulty, depression robs you of any desire to go and do.  In a church that has a consistent message of go and do more, be more, serve more this adds to an ever increasing burden and feeling of failure.  When I was undiagnosed this part of depression was bewildering and down right defeating to me as I was trying to do my best.  My best wasn’t simply good enough it was so poor that it qualified as of no value and even maybe sin.  I never felt any of my efforts during a depression were of any value or good enough for the Lord.  Was that true?  Of course not.  I was doing just fine but when your feelings are so pronounced and so poignant and deep there is no way to convince the soul otherwise.

I know many individuals who have simply left the confines of church activity because of this issue.  They can’t face another lesson or sermon from the pulpit about spiritual experiences, effort that brings joy, or repentance.  I am not saying that these lessons or sermons are bad in any sense of the word.  They are exactly what should be said.  It is just that someone who is suffering from depression and often even anxiety cannot hear anything but you are unworthy and unable to do even the simplest task without messing it up in some way.  So these sermons turn into reinforcing sermons of doubt, failure and worthlessness.  I suppose that it can be easier for individuals who have never experienced depression to understand that if every word uttered in church made you feel even more unworthy, it would be difficult to attend.  It feels like proverbially throwing gasoline on an already burning fire.

The worst thing that comes of it all is that you really do not have the desire, emotional stability, or stamina to do anything about it.  Even if you get a little wind behind your sails and you are able to serve for a little time you become so exhausted fighting that you often collapse for days without the ability to do anything.  When you do serve it is never enough, never effective, never worthy of the Lord.  When service is never enough and you feel the same whether you do it or not.  Often it is easier not to do it and claim illness.  I did many times.  Sometimes you simply go through the motions because it is easier than to have to explain why you can’t.  But the disconnect between your actions and your feelings is a crevasse that seems to be deepening and widening every moment.  It is the ever widening gap between what you know you should be feeling and what you are that creates and indescribable pain in the soul.  Why can’t you feel what you should?  Why can’t you feel joy?  What is wrong with me?  These questions then turn to Is the gospel true?  If it is why do I feel so bad?  If I feel doubt and suffering when I do what I should, why should I do it?  If it doesn’t help then it certainly can’t be true?  These questions then lead to the statements of you must be worthless, you can’t do anything right, why are you trying, what value is there in life and on it goes.

When I was in the deepest portions of my depressions, I could not listen to spiritual music, read scriptures, listen to talks or any spiritual message without feeling terrible.  When things that once made you joyful and happy become that which causes you deep pain, it is a terrible day.

So the doubt would build and my feelings deepen, I would remove myself from church activities as much as possible noting that I wasn’t feeling well.  I would avoid spiritual things at times to avoid the disconnecting doubt and pain.  Most of all, I couldn’t feel my testimony, that spiritual light that drives us all to do more, be more, serve more.  The church and its principles became for a time more pain than joy, and more distress than happiness.  I wanted to believe somewhere as I had before but I simply couldn’t access those feelings and memories as I needed them.  It felt as though Lucifer had access to tell me how worthless I was at a whole new level without the ability of the spirit to fight back.  Doubt often turned to reality for a time while I suffered.

I would come out of the depressions but I was empty.  I would have to start over again with my testimony.  I would always start slowly at first because the depressions made it difficult to hear the messages.  Slowly my desire and testimony would return to a more normal state and I would begin to feel again.  But it always took time and as the illness progressed, it would take more and more time for me to recover.

For those who experience clinical depression, the cycles if they exist may not return the person to a normal state.  Maybe less depressed and doubtful but the feelings will persist at some level of doubt and mistrust of one’s feelings.  This can be terribly debilitating and disorienting to individuals, especially the young and old who may never have experienced it before and who may not fully understand what is happening.  Most will turn away from the gospel for a time trying to figure out what has happened to them.  Why do they doubt when faith seems to come so easy to others?  Why do they feel pain and distress when they should be feeling joy and happiness?  As I have said before depression comes in many forms and for many reasons but the feelings are similar as they are individual.

Why would I discuss something so private and difficult?  I have multiple purposes.  The first of these purposes is to say the obvious and simple.  This doubt and feelings of worthlessness do not come from any source but chemicals in the brain and likely Lucifer.  It is not your fault.  No one did anything wrong per say.  Yes the depression may come from an accident, abuse and other sources and maybe you were in the wrong place at the wrong time but the feelings are not deserved in any sense of the word.  This is not punishment for something done wrong twenty years ago or yesterday.  The chemistry causes the reaction in the brain, and the brain causes the feelings.  Your testimony is still intact, although covered by the darkness.  The truths and spiritual memories are still ready for you, although maybe not accessible.  You are more than worthy in the Lord’s eyes and he weeps for your suffering.  You are worthy and the Lord desires that you know that.  If you support those who suffer, a consistent reassurance that they are worthy in the Lords eyes is important.

Of course the question is why doesn’t he remove it.  Why do you have to experience it?  Why does my child, my wife have to suffer like this?  I don’t have all of the answers to those questions.  I have addressed some of them in my past podcasts.  This life is certainly about learning and experience and depression in one of the unique experiences that can bring great understanding to the atonement.  We learn to be happy, have joy, compassion, empathy by the things that we suffer.  Just as the Savior learned them.  But this doesn’t lessen the suffering, pain and distress for both the one afflicted with the illness and the one who has to watch and support.

What do you do when the doubt strikes?  It is going to strike slowly so you may not even notice it at first but eventually you will see and feel it in great depth depending upon the development of your illness and your progress in treatment.  I always reached out to the Lord in prayer and with a priesthood blessing.  Yes this will help for a short period of time but blessings aren’t one and done.  You can ask for another one to help with the symptoms.  I have asked for many and have always received the help I desired.  I don’t think that we use this avenue sufficiently in our lives.  I know that this requires faith and effort and desire but remember that the Lord understands.  Even you are even willing to believe, he can do the rest.  When I have known individuals who suffer, I will offer to give a blessing when I see them struggling.  Even when they are hesitant, I will often encourage it.  Now most of these individuals have been family members or brothers and sisters with whom I have had personal and ecclesiastical relationships.  The person who is deeply depressed is going to have difficulty asking and believing that it might help and they may have great difficulty.  Faith, desire and belief are not going to be present but that is not because of sin or other issues in their lives.  The Lord knows them and their testimonies and he understands the illness, he knows their faith without the illness and can reward them as such.  They may accept somewhat hesitantly but it has always turned out very well when I have asked and encouraged.  There is always a point at which you should allow for agency and respect the individuals desire but depression alters that reality, so a little encouragement is often needed.

The temporary relief does often come I have never known it not to.  It may come by degrees.  However, what I have found is that most often the blessing will lift the symptoms for a time to provide for the relief.  This is a good time to make sure you are doing things to help ease the symptoms in other ways.  Make sure that you are doing what you should and you aren’t running faster than you should.  There will be a tendency to make up for lost time, with chores, family, friends, exercise and so forth.  Making up time often causes exhaustion and the symptoms to return far more quickly.  You must be wise about how and what you do to make sure that you manage the episode effectively.

Be wise to know what to do when depression and doubt seeps into the soul.  I realize that plans don’t always work but better to have one.  Individuals who have had issues with suicide, cutting or marking, drugs, alcohol, sexual relationships and so forth will have a tendency to resort to those same poor remedies when the depression arrives.  If they have ever used it once, then it is always easier the second, third and fourth times.  If you know that you have had problems, then make sure that someone is there for you and that you limit access to those remedies in whatever way you need to.

Understand that you are going to experience the doubt and begin the process of associating this doubt with the mental illness, surprisingly it does help.  Know what you can do and can’t do when the deafening doubt occurs and be good with it.  The Lord will help.  Will you still suffer at times.  Yes but if you do the things you need to the moments will not be as deep or as difficult.  May the Lord continue to bless you and remember the Lord requires the fight and then he can do His part.