Episode #6 Full-Time Missionary Service and Mental Illness

In this episode the author discusses the difficulties associate with with full-time missionary proselyting service and why the Lord would allow someone to return home early.  It explores the major questions as to why the Lord would allow mental illness to continue rather than healing it. Why he would allow someone to continue to suffer with the disease and issues of faith to be healed and faith not to be healed.

Transcript

So in today’s episode I am going to discuss the difficulties of mental illness in missionary service.  I will speak from my own experiences and those principles I have learned over the years since I served.

Why?  Isn’t that the question you want to ask.  Why would the Lord allow someone to return home before finishing the expected 18-24 months? Someone who has desired with all their heart to serve the Lord.  Who has been faithful and true to gospel principles.  I certainly don’t have every answer because I believe that some of them will not be known until after this life but what I do hope is that by the end of this podcast you see the question differently and that you might see why the Lord might have allowed you or someone you know to return honorably and earlier than expected.

So to begin this episode there are some things I will have to state right up front.  This is going to be about my own experience and a little about my daughter who has clinical depression. First, before my mission I was an undiagnosed moderate and sometimes severe rapid cycling bipolar.  As I have said before there were rumblings in the back of my head that something was wrong and that leads me to my second confession and that is up to my mission I had never known life without bipolar so in some ways I thought that I was quite normal.  

Third I rarely talk about my mission.  Not because there were not great moments but I assume because of the moments that downright difficult and painful.  I was never one to really break rules so that was not an issue but some of the deep depressions and the trauma that came with it left a lasting mark.  Some might refer to it as some type of coping mechanism or PTSD induced amnesia.  I am not sure of the diagnosis and I am not sure that it really matters.  I suppose I don’t talk about it because of the mental illness.  In any case, I have not made contact with anyone from my mission since I left it.  Don’t get me wrong, I had great companions and still remember many of their names to this day.  I remember both of my mission presidents reasonably well. I had wonderful experiences.  But the emotional trauma was very real to me and I believe somewhere deep subconsciously I didn’t and don’t desire to relive it.  The trauma was not necessarily caused by any exterior forces acting upon me but rather the effects of a mental illness under the pressures and requirements of missionary life.  There is nothing wrong with the pressures and requirements of missionary life and they are necessary for missionaries to accomplish the work they need to do.  The work is daunting, exacting, exhausting and very rewarding if done right and when the body allows.  However, portions of the work do not mix well with mental illness both bipolar and depression.  The rigid schedule is beneficial but the long hours are not.  The constant change of companions and environment coupled with the consistent need to form relationships and talk to strangers are in direct contrast to the emotional stability needed to treat the disease effectively.  So in essence two of the major factors used most often in treating the disease Stability in relationships and consistency in environmental factors become compromised by the nature of missionary work.  I would say that ultimately these two factors along with some social peer pressure were the deciding factors in most of the major concerns in my mission.

Fourth and final this will really be the first time I talk about my mission and my experiences.  Not sure if it is that I finally feel whole or that time and distant has been sufficient for me to revisit it.  In any case, I hope that it gives you some understanding and light about depression, mental illness and missionary service and that in the end Lord can still work with the weakest of us.  I won’t be talking about my service in any type of history or chronological sequence as I am not sure that would be effective or helpful.  There are some questions that I believe are helpful to be answered, although I am not sure that I have all of the answers I think that I can at least provide some insight to what those answers might be.  So today I am going to talk about the most pressing of questions that often come to individuals who experience mental illness during their missionary service.  It is important to remember that mental illness does not have one single cause and that the cause of the mental illness is what needs to be treated for long term recovery.  So here are the questions?

1)      Why does the Lord allow individuals to experience mental illness during their missionary service?  What value does that provide to anyone including companions, members and investigators?

2)      Why doesn’t the Lord just heal the individual or remove the disease for the length of the missionary service or diminish it to the point that it doesn’t affect the ability of the missionary?

3)      Can a missionary still effectively serve a mission with a mental illness or should we assume that if a potential missionary is afflicted or becomes afflicted with mental illness, full-time proselyting service is really not an option?

4)      Is it just really insufficient faith in the Lord to heal me?  Or is there something else at work?

I know that the questions are perhaps the ones that we have been discussing in the church since mental illness was recognized.  I can tell you that I have never really seen or heard anything specifically related to missionary service and mental illness, although I have no doubt that there is something out there and perhaps more than I realize.  So my perspective certainly won’t be influenced by anything I have heard or read. I would like to start with some introductory information about my mission and then move more directly into the questions.

I served my mission about 28 years ago in Central Argentina, the Rosario mission.  I had spent a year and a half waiting for my call because I graduate high school when I was 17.  The months before the mission were some of the most difficult.  Let’s just say that the lack of routine or any type of stabilizing force really had made for some challenging days and weeks.  

Mental illness in early 90’s was relatively new but not entirely unknown however it really wasn’t discussed as a concern for a mission.  It was more of a hidden disease that people did talk about.  And it certainly wasn’t a factor as it is now in deciding mission service.  Returning home early also had some fairly serious consequences at least in my head, and I am not sure that I would have survived it.  I had a sufficiently fragile self-worth due to the cycling nature of the disease and inability to develop relationships.  It wasn’t that anyone would have said anything to me, but returning home generally meant there was a serious issue and I would have felt the questions even if they didn’t exist.  Just knowing myself, I would likely have retreated from the church and life and onto some alternate path.  Although I guess you can never really tell.  Maybe coming home and obtaining treatment would have turned out far better for me.  From what I know about the treatment options at that time, I would think that maybe it would have been for the best.  But you can’t dwell on what might have been and so I don’t.

The MTC provided a needed routine and a break in my cycles.  I did have some minor depression symptoms but they were minor.  The environment, culture and the Spirit provided sufficient support that I could mask the symptoms  to avoid any questions and push most of the feelings to the side.  I learned Spanish and tried to navigate new relationships and a new routine.  The limited timeframe and ample support tended to mask the issues of the disease for the most part.  Although that is not true for everyone and that included one of my districts elders.  He was reassigned stateside before we left for Argentina.  I suppose this probably had an effect upon me and my own decisions.

As far as the disease and symptoms, the same was true for my first assignment to the field inside of Rosario itself.  The break of routine and forming a new one caused the disease to abate for some time.  However, I believe that really it simply caused the disease to overcompensate for the added stress which intensified the symptoms later.  I did begin to see signs of the disease early about 2-3 months into the mission.  Depression symptoms can mimic home sickness in many ways and for me and the mission leadership this is what occurred initially.  With homesickness time and work is generally the cure. The thought is that eventually the body will accept the new reality and then adjust.  This is normally quite true for homesickness but it really doesn’t work for depression.  

I will admit one incident that I still remember clearly.  Mission presidents have the revelatory power for their missionaries and I know that my president could see that something was not right.  He specifically asked if I wanted to see a doctor, I believe that it was a phycologist and it was a family relative, although that portion is a bit hazy.  All I remember going through my mind is that my mission assignment would change back to the states or I would be sent home early.  Both of which I feared greatly.  Not sure if it was the church culture at the time, the negative perspective in which people viewed the mentally ill, that I didn’t have enough faith to make things work or all three but I declined and we never spoke about it again.

My symptoms then began to progress beyond what would be seen as simple homesickness.  I became physically ill with headaches, nausea, fatigue and an overall feeling of what I now see as depression.  I did spend a little time at the doctors trying to figure the issue out but nothing came of it so the conclusion was that it was still homesickness.  From this point on out the disease began its terrible cycles in a normal fashion and my only relief came from priesthood blessings which I received somewhat frequently.  I would also have to assume that the Lord stepped in a great many times to help.  I can’t explain it any other way.  So here are some of my take-aways from the experience and then I will directly answer the questions posed earlier.

1)      I was never a stellar or stand-out missionary with the illness but I wasn’t rendered ineffective by it.  The Lord worked with what I had to give and provided for the remainder.

2)      Mission rules weren’t exceedingly difficult except for the work hours which often exhausted my body and exacerbating the symptoms.  

3)      The pressures of missionary life, relationship building, goal setting and attainment, Changing environments and culture and other more peer missionary pressures to succeed did often cause my disease to intensify in many ways.  Something I do believe is that if I had been diagnosed is that I would have had more tools at my disposal to managed the symptoms more effectively, although I really don’t know whether it would have helped.  I do have to assume that it would have but my diagnosis would likely have changed my missionary assignment and that would have been devastating to me.  I simply didn’t understand the nature of the missionary assignment as Elder Bednar has explained.

4)      I did note that while I was teaching lessons, the Spirit would often remove the or perhaps better said cover the symptoms during the teaching timeframe and for a few hours after.  But we did not consistently teach lessons and were often tracking.  Tracking, door to door knocking, talking to new people, approaching strangers and building relationships seemed to cause significant stress.  Stress is one of the main treatment concerns in the disease and it affected me greatly.

Boiled down to a few simple ideas, missionary service becomes increasingly difficult based on the nature and development of the mental illness.  If the illness is undiagnosed or is left untreated it can and often will render the missionary without the ability to do the work in an effective manner.  However, with good treatment and constant vigilance in the mission, I believe that it is very possible for an individual to effectively serve and complete the expected timeframe.  Note that I said possible and that is important.  Even with diagnosis, treatment and vigilance some individuals will still return home having completed their mission but not the expected timeframe.

1)      Why does the Lord allow individuals to experience mental illness during their missionary service?  What value does that provide to anyone including companions, members and investigators?

When I see this question it always leads me to the broader question as to why the Lord would allow anyone to have a mental illness or any severely disabiling disease and what benefits would that particular disease provide for anyone.  I am sure that we have all heard that it “gives others a chance to serve” and while that is true it really did help me in any way to know that.  I mean wouldn’t a mission void of the disease have benefited tremendously and have provided a strong witness that the Lord did love and care for me? I suppose I could look at it that way and most of us probably do.  But I don’t think that the Lord sees it this way.

The thought above is really a limited perspective.  The Lord’s ways are certainly not ours and he plans for the eternities not for a moment in time even if that includes a mission.  I have thought and pondered many times why the Lord would have blessed me with such a disease.

For me one of the answers is from the Book of Mormon, not sure that I particularly like that this was one of my answers but I will explain it.

Helaman 12:3 And thus we see that except the Lord doth achasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with bdeath and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not cremember him.

What did this mean for me?  I needed to be brought to my knees regularly so that the Lord could teach me.  Not sure what this exactly says about my nature and pride but in some ways it is true for all of us.  We simply are not as diligent when the sun is shining and the birds singing.  We need trials in our lives to be able to rise to the nature of the Father.  I don’t believe that we can obtain celestial life without trials and chastisement.  The power of the natural man is often to enticing for us to remember the Lord and perhaps I needed this more than others.  Not that I would say this is true for everyone who has the disease for I believe that many have the disease and would still be diligent without it.  But I do know that the chastisement brings a level of development we can have no other way.

Now why does the Lord allow for this to occur during missionary service even to the point that someone returns earlier than the expected timeframe.  Wouldn’t we all be better served having served a full proselyting mission?  Given my experience with my own daughter who returned for that exact reason and knowing of her great desire to serve her whole life, I can say no.  I know that the Lord allow her to return home and that was the right thing for her life and for her salvation.  Seems a little strange to think that returning home would be for her salvation and eternal progression but I know that it was.  Returning home before the completed time was more important to her progression that serving the people of Iowa.  The Lord was in it.  Has it been difficult for her?  Absolutely.  Has it driven her to her knees?  Probably too many times to count. Did she still have to go to counseling?  Yes. But was it right in the Lord’s eyes? Yes it was and that was confirmed to everyone involved in the decision.  There was no condemnation. There was no sin.  She had done what the Lord needed her to do.  Will we ever fully know why all of the reasons that it contributed to her salvation.  I would say yes but probably not in this life.  She will need to be content that it was the Lord who made the decision and she just followed where he led.  

So my second answer is that we are unlikely in this life to fully understand the why of it?  Remember the Lord sees our eternity and plans for it.  We only see a small window of time and even that small window we probably don’t even see very well.  I believe that sometimes the Lord simply couldn’t explain it to us if he tried.  So he assures us that it was in his plans and we have to trust that what he does is best for us.

Now what value did her experience provide for those involved including her parents, companions, mission president, and others in the church.  I think that there are two great benefits.  The first of these is that we need to trust the Lord when it comes to others.  The Lord knows what he is doing and our pleading that he doesn’t know what he is doing isn’t going to change his mind about what he desires to do for the salvation of his children.  He can and will use everything at his disposal to accomplish his work and that includes allow mental illness to finish someone’s mission.  We should let him work.  Second judgment is ultimately the Lord’s meaning we should not diminish personal revelation given to others simply because it does not match some preconceived notion or unwritten church sentiment.  There are far too many unwritten preconceived notions in the church and we would be good to identify them and remove them from our doctrinal perspectives.  If those reasons are not sufficient for you, we can also look to the benefit it provides others to learn compassion, understanding, empathy and ultimately charity.  Without the sick or afflicted we would simply have a very difficult time learning these skills.  We also must be afflicted to learn them.  It is a two way street of instruction. So why does the Lord allow it because it is for the salvation of his children.

2)      Why doesn’t the Lord just heal the individual or remove the disease for the length of the missionary service?

I will admit that this is probably the underlying question in almost every case of someone returning home for an illness of any type.  I think that I could reiterate much of what I have just said but other things can be learned from illness, such as increased faith, determination, endurance, patience, adaptability and so much more.  I think we have gotten into the habit of thinking that missionary service is the pinnacle of what a young person can accomplish and that nothing can replace long-term service as a missionary.  I believe that in some ways we think of it as a right of passage to celestial life.  If you don’t have this full-time enduring service you are somewhat less qualified to be a Bishop, Stake President or leader of any kind.  I believe that we believe it to be a commitment to the Lord and an unbreakable bond that we should fulfill under any circumstances.  Underlying all of these notions is the idea that anyone unable to serve or who returns due to mental illness is in some ways weak both in faith and testimony and had they put their mind to it they would have accomplished it.

I shutter to think what the Lord feels about this type of underlying judgment.  The harm we do in thinking this way about any type of calling especially missionary service can be devastating to the individual and the calling itself.  While we should not choose to break the promise by sin or other means we have made, the Lord has the right to say when the service is complete at any time without reservation and without comment from those who do not understand the situation or the Lord’s will.  We cannot see what the Lord sees and what his work is for each of his children and to say that the Lord would never shorten call for his purposes is wrong at its very core and denies revelation, the omniscience of God and his love for his children.  If the Lord could, I am certain that he would allow for every one of his children to serve a full length proselyting mission.  But he cannot do that and still save his children as he so desires.  So the length of the mission is determined by the Lord and if sickness isn’t healed then that is the plan and we must adjust to the Lord’s will, end of story.  So for those of you who have served and returned early know that the Lord was in it and that it was part of your salvation and perhaps part of others. 

3)      Can a missionary still effectively serve a mission with a mental illness or should we assume that if a potential missionary has had or currently does have a mental illness, full-time proselyting service is really not an option?

I believe firmly that I missionary can serve with the illness and the Lord can temper the disease as much as he tempered the weather in the Salt Lake Valley for the pioneers.  So my answer is a firm yes.  Does this mean that you would go off your medicines, counseling and other treatments and not concern yourself for the welfare of your body and mind, absolutely not.  The Lord requires that we do all we can and then he will provide the rest.  So a missionary would have to take special care so that the disease was well managed during the missionary service.

Would this disease diminish his/her ability to serve?  Maybe or maybe not but isn’t it the Lord that states several times in the D&C that the weak things of the earth would thrash the strong and mighty.  Weakness comes in many forms and mental illness is one of those.  The most important matter is to allow the Lord to choose and then accept his will and decision and go forth rejoicing knowing that you are doing what the Lord wants whether that is to serve or to not serve or to serve for only a time.

4)      Is it just really insufficient faith in the Lord to heal me if I return early?  Or is there something else at work?

I have come to believe that this is another of the unwritten sentiments in the church that is simply false. Do some people lack faith to be healed?  Yes, the D&C says that there are some.  But I believe that a majority of people under covenant in the church have sufficient faith to be healed.  This assumes that you are doing the things you should be such as prayer, study and other essential daily spiritual tasks.  I would doubt that anyone who has been called as a missionary lacks this faith.  It has been my experience that they do not.  Even given that statement it is important to remember something else about faith.

Elder Bednar once recalled a story about a man who was dying of cancer and a question had come to his mind that he had never thought about before and it strikes to the core of the answer.  His question to the man was, “Did he have the faith not to be healed?”.  While this might seem counter intuitive to need faith not to be healed.  I believe that the intent of the question was that if the Lord decided not to heal you would your faith in the Savior decrease.  Would you lose the testimony and witness you have if he were to say I am not going to heal you and that is going to cause you to return home?  Or would your testimony remain intact?  Could you have sufficient faith to honorably return home before the expected timeframe and maintain your testimony of the Savior and his church?

Being healed really doesn’t take additional faith or is any type of a test to increase your faith.  Basically all the Lord has done has confirmed your current faith in him.  And yes this might build your confidence in the Lord and his existence and his mercy.  However, if you are able to have sufficient faith not to be healed, you have actually demonstrated a far greater faith and maturity.  

I believe that often the Lord does not heal us to help us to learn this type of faith, trust and maturity.  So if you are not healed and return to home to continue your life, understand that the Lord has deemed you worthy to be tested in more mature and difficult ways.  It is not the development of the faith to be healed but the development of the faith not to be healed that provides for exaltation.  It is easy to accept the Lord’s will when the blessing comes but when it does not we learn of our true nature. Learning maturity in the gospel, trust in the Lord, and understanding of his methods of salvation and exaltation are key elements of exaltation.

So there you have it. I could certainly have expounded several missionary experiences but my experiences as a missionary were not unlike others except with the added difficulty of a mental illness. I hope that you have taken away something to help you.  It has taken many years for me to understand the purposes of the Lord and find the greater faith and trust.  I hope that you find it far more quickly then I did.

I know that in the past I have not given out my contact info so that someone interested in discussing the topic may contact me for questions or other things.  I have decided that sometimes this can be beneficial and I really don’t mind as long as you understand that I may not reply right away.  For now I will leave you my email as I think for now that would be the best method.  My email is dtsocha@gmail.com.  So that is d – door, t as in train, s as in sam, o as in Oscar, c as in catch, h as in henry and a as in apple @gmail.com.

As always remember that the Lord requires the fight and then he can provide the rest.

Until next time when the discussion will turn to healing and what it means to be healed.