Episode #275 - Personality Disorders

Personality disorders will not deemed mental or emotional illness tend to run high in individuals with mental and emotional illness.  They are terribly difficult to eradicate in our lives and can be the source of deep divides and relationship problems especially within the church social circles.

Transcript

Welcome to today’s episode about personality disorders.  Some might wonder why I have chosen to talk about these disorders as they are separate disorders from mental and emotional illness.  The truth is that often personality disorders are comorbid with mental and emotional illness. This mean that when we suffer with mental illness, personality disorders are far more common.   Sometimes it is the personality disorder that causes our mental and emotional illness and sometimes it is the mental and emotional illness that causes our disorder.  In either case, you cannot treat one without the other.  The statistics show that about 10% of the population has a personality disorder which is about half of those that suffer from mental and emotional illness but the comorbidity with mental illness is significantly higher.  It is extremely important to understand personality disorders along with mental illness if you are to treat your mental illness.  If you do not treat the personality disorder then the mental illness is not likely to be treated.

Personality disorders come in many shapes and sizes but obviously they deal with our personality which in turn is a reflection of our inner workings both the mortal body and the spirit.  You have likely heard of a few of these disorders and others you may not.  We often hear about narcissistic behavior, OCD behaviors (Perfectionsim), Borderline Personality Disorder and even paranoid behavior, a behavior that Hollywood has exploits regularly.  Behaviors are split into three categories.  For today we are going to look at the one of the four individual types of behaviors listed.  We will leave the others for the next few weeks.  During our discussion we are going to look at how each relates to gospel relationships and the difficulties associated with gospel living.  Now I have had some experience with some of these and others I have not.  However, I have known many individuals who suffer from these types of illnesses. I have spoken with them often. I have known many individuals who suffer with personality disorder and simply do not know it.  The key problem with these disorders is their substantial ability to disrupt normal relationships.  Many divorces, defections, sins and broken relationships have been the result of these disorders.  However, once you understand personality disorders you will be able to better spot them in others and yourself and to know how to help.

There are often key elements to personality disorders that are important to understand.  Most individuals who have a disorder find it very difficult to admit to having one.  The disorder is actually a part of their personality and to give it up is as if they are giving up who they are.  Individuals regularly do not feel the need to change their nature or their lifestyle considering others intolerant or hurtful.  These disorders are often buried so deep that even individuals who can recognize them in their lives rarely get the help they need to overcome them.  People with personality disorders regularly have serious relationship issues both obtaining and maintaining one.  They are often very concerned with what others think of them.  They are likely to have behaviors that seem odd or outside of accepted social norms.  We call the quirky, strange, unfriendly, odd, nerdish and so much more.  Many individuals might have more than one personality disorder although one of those disorders will be more prevalent than others.

What is interesting about the disorders is you have all likely seen them but not necessarily recognized them for what they are.  So today we are going to start with some definitions to help us.  These definitions are a little fluid but I have taken them directly from the Mayo Clinic website.  First we will look at what is called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short.  Here is the Mayo Clinic’s definition.

• Has a strong fear of being alone or abandoned.
• Has ongoing feelings of emptiness.
• Sees self as being unstable or weak.
• Has deep relationships that are not stable.
• Has up and down moods, often due to stress when interacting with others.
• Threatens self-harm or behaves in ways that could lead to suicide.
• Is often very angry.
• Shows impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating.
• Has stress-related paranoia that comes and goes.

It is important to understand that these are not all the symptoms and that other personality disorders may have similar symptoms such as narcissistic behaviors.  The symptoms also tend to be general in nature and not specific so that the individual may have the particular symptom in abundance or not at all.  While the definitions of each area of concern are specific to the concern, a person can have traits of one or several of the personality disorders.  Don’t be alarmed if one of the symptoms seems to fit you as one symptom doesn’t define the problem.  Generally speaking, these disorders come in almost identical ways to mental illness.  Science believes that it is a combination of environment and genetics.  You need to have a predisposition to personality disorders and then something such as traumatic event or abuse to occur in your life.  Actually part of the treatment is to find this trauma and deal with it so that the disorder has nothing to rely upon.

So let’s talk about what this looks like in real life and church life.  We know that church life is a very social concern.  Much of what we do in the gospel relies upon relationships with other people.  When you struggle with symptoms that destroy your relationships church can be very difficult to understand and be a place where you feel comfortable.  Let’s take the example of what appears to be a good church member serving in a calling.  We will call this person Artimus or Art for short.  Now this isn’t anyone in particular if you are thinking that.  The reality is that Art is a composite of individuals I have known.  Art doesn’t have a significant number of friends.  He tends to be involved with others but at a surface level.  He seems to desire relationships but doesn’t really know how to form them.  He has deep seated concerns about being abandoned and left alone in a relationship and often basis his actions off this deep need.  Art has a difficult relationship with his wife and children.  He can be impulsive and have thoughts of self-harm and suicide regularly.  These often coincide with relationship issues.  He wants to be seen as valuable and contributing and while outwardly he seems to have a stable and good opinion of himself.  Inside he has little to no self-esteem.  Art was bullied as a kid and into early adulthood and had experienced some traumatic events that his mind, heart and body were not able to reconcile.  Art has a problem with pornography and at times is willing to gamble but only in the sense of maybe a lottery ticket.  He is intelligent and wants to be known for his intelligence.  He does his best to imitate what others do in a relationship but struggles inwardly to feel it.  Eventually due to his desperate need for attention, recognition and love he will drain his relationships dry until they collapse.

Now as we look at Art in the gospel system.  Everything about his personality will struggle with the doctrine of the gospel, unless he recognizes the issues in his life.  The majority of the gospel is personal relationships whether that is family, friends, or simply other church members.  Because his needs are distorted emotionally, he can’t form solid, long-lasting relationships.  And tends to have very few real friends and is more likely to have many acquaintances.  He looks outwardly for signs that he is doing well because inside he never feels worthy to be a member.  He consistently looks for recognition, admiration of others, and is very concerned about what others may think of him.  All these traits combine to make him seem strange and quirky in his relationships saying strange and awkward things at times.  Art will overthink every interaction, every word of another and consistent works to receive the praise he desires.  This desire for praise stems from his feelings of worthlessness.  As he cannot obtain his happiness through inward motivations, he is always looking outward for clues as to how he is doing in the church and with his fellow man.

The self-esteem problem tends to cause serious issues in developing a healthy relationship with God and the Savior.  He can never quite seem to feel worthy enough to really talk to Heavenly Father and struggles deeply hearing the spirit.  He will seem to hear the spirit but is unsure whether it is just him or the spirit speaking.  He often feels just empty and that emptiness drives him to seek his self-esteem in other places.

Now you might say that Art has done this to himself.  His low self-esteem and his relationship problems stem from simply thinking about things in the wrong way.  If he just corrected it he would be fine.  This is essentially the same thing as saying “just get over it” to a mental health problem.  It cannot be done.  In nearly every case, Art and those like him will need therapy and help to see the problem and to correct it.  Art will also need to seek out spiritual help to aid him in redefining his relationship with the Father and the Savior.  Regular therapy is easy to find.  Spiritual therapy is not so much.  The Lord did not want us to rely upon others for our spiritual needs, he wanted us to rely upon him.  However, we each need to be taught how to accomplish this.  For 80 percent of the population the standard practices work well within the church.  However, for those dealing with both mental and emotional issues standard practices are important but may not obtain the result that is needed.

You need to approach living the gospel in different ways.  The first of these is learning the voice of the spirit.  Unfortunately this is one of the more difficult exercises for someone who is afflicted by this type of disorder.  The disorder itself disrupts the process and makes it near impossible to hear and to recognize the voice of the spirit.  So these individuals have a distinct disadvantage when it comes to learning and living the gospel.  They don’t hear the spirit very well.  This always leaves them wondering if they are doing the right thing which leads to listening to the world rather than the spirit because the world is loud and will tell you what you want to hear.  They are in consistent doubt about themselves and their relationships with others and a doubtful relationship isn’t much of a shared relationship.  Most of these types of relationships end in divorce.  However, it doesn’t need to be that way.  If the individual is willing to admit the disorder, then temporal and spiritual needs can be address with the help of others.  One of the best ways to help the individual know the spirit is to have someone they can use as a check and balance system.  Meaning, I think I have some inspiration but I am not sure.  Let me check with this person who I know has a spiritual nature about them.  This can allow the individual to understand more fully when and when not the spirit is speaking.

The self-doubt is a difficult personal paradigm to shift.  I personally have experienced much of this in my lifetime and shifting to a more confident personality rooted in the Lord is a difficult process.  The problem with learning trust in the Lord is that you must learn it and self-doubt is the antithesis and road block of learning trust in the Lord.  The minute the Lord puts you in a situation where you need to trust him, your diminished self-worth and often the depression that comes with it tells you that you can’t trust him.  You are caught between doubt and faith not really know what to do or what the Lord wants in your life.  Now a little doubt is good but once you reach a threshold of self-doubt that affects your faith in the Lord, you will have a real problem.  So often the solution is the same as learning to listen to the spirit.  You need someone to help you see how to trust the Lord.  You also need them to tell you that your trust has brought the blessing.  You need someone by your side to help you wade through the first several trials of trust.  When you do this regularly, the trust in the Savior will grow to overcome the doubt you have but it does take time and it will take the time it takes.  The timing will be individual to the persons experience, the help they receive, and the extend of the illness.  To built trust in the Lord will be difficult and is likely going to take far more experience than others without the same illness.

The next phase of development that coincides with trust is the self-esteem.  True self-esteem can only come from one place and that is the Lord.  We all seek it from the world as the world is always pressing upon us. When I see members of the church from all walks of life, this is the greatest issue facing them.  When you combine a disorder with self-esteem issues, the problem magnifies itself to unhealthy and difficult levels to treat.  It takes a great deal of time to overcome an illness and obtain a correct understanding of one’s self-esteem.  Self-esteem comes as we feel the spirit and speak with the Lord one on one.  He is the one that tells us who we really are and what we need to do to become as he is.  Self-esteem comes when we are reasonably sure that we can feel and hear the voice of the spirit.  When we are confident in our ability to hear the Lord, we will know how he truly feels about us and that will most definitely give us the self-esteem we need to overcome the disorder and the world.

However, all of this relies upon one important factor, the ability to be humble and accept a self-evaluation from another individual and the Lord.  We need to be sufficiently humble to recognize when we struggle with a personality disorder and then be even more humble to allow others to help us through it.  So often humility comes in stages and through difficult trials that allow for self-examination.  It is rare that we obtain humility any other way.  The great difficulty with personality disorders is that most of them cause a great divide within the feeling of humility and pride.  When one is not ready to be humble, humility feels like weakness and as though one is giving up or capitulating on another.  Often the Lord’s repentance petitions are met with hardness and strength of determination rather than a listening, understanding and obedient heart.  The real problem with personality disorders is that they cause the individual to feel alone and as though they must figure out humility and every other celestial trait on their own.  Most individuals with personality disorders will feign humility but lack it in every respect.  They often don’t understand it.

This is not necessarily their fault.  Much of the disorder stems from external forces and internal genetics.  However, even without fault one must take responsibility.  So how do you help someone who has such a disorder.  First, you must understand the rule that change is always personal.  I cannot make someone change.  You cannot make anyone change.  Certainly you can apply pressures to a relationship to cause behavior modifications but true change must always come from within.  This doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about the difficulties in our relationships and talk about how to make things better.  It does mean that those discussions may not make the changes we seek in our daily lives.  However, the first step is always recognition.  Without recognition nothing will ever change.  And so we need to help significant others see the disorder in their lives.  Help them to recognize it in nonconfrontational ways and that can be hard.  There may not be a nonconfrontational way to initially introduce the subject.  BPD and narcissistic behaviors will be the most difficult to address.  Simply because these two are the most integrated into our personality and relationships.  This doesn’t mean that OCD is not difficult to address because it is.  I have just seen less personal relationship problems with OCD than with the others.  So our first object is to address the elephant in the room with us.

The first introduction to another person of personality disorder is not likely to go well.  They will feel attacked no matter the manner in which you try and this is likely to repeat itself.  After a first introduction give it time to settle in the mind of the other person.  Wait until the emotions have subsided and then ask about what they think.  This will give you an idea as to how they have internalized the discussion.  I promise you that they will think about it.  If you are close to them in their life, they respect your opinion and your advice although it may not show on the outside.  You need to remember that for them you are one of the only sources of truth and information they can really trust.  They want you to be proud of them and who they are.  They need to know that they are loved.

The next step in the process is to engage the Savior, well that should be the first, middle and last step if you are trying to help someone.  Always have the spirit and talk to the Lord about what to say and to do.  When I say engage the Savior, I mean that the individual who is suffering needs to learn to engage the Savior and to begin the process of self-worth coming through the spirit of the Lord.  The only way to overcome a personality disorder is through the Lord.  They are often woven far too deep into a personality to extract easily and they will need the reassurance of the Savior.  What you are trying to accomplish is to move the persons outward reliance upon others to an inward reliance upon the Lord.  And that is going to take time and effort.  

I simply cannot tell you exactly what to do all the time as each case will be very different but the Savior can.  The Savior is the key to overcoming personality disorders.  However, I leave a caution as we conclude today.  Even the Savior cannot make anyone change.  Change must be implemented by the person who is suffering.  The Savior can bring to bear great power on their behalf but only through humility and recognition.  Some may ask if this is even possible given the difficulties associated with healing a personality disorder.  The answer is a resounding yes if they rely entirely upon the Savior.  Until next week do your part so that the Lord can do his.