Episode # 267 - The Healing Process

What does it mean to be healed?  In my experience with healing and mental illness, healing is far more about the process than the destination.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode #267 The Healing Process.  I am your host Damon Socha.  So this week my family and I are moving to Warsaw Il.  Yes that Warsaw from church history.  The story as to how we got to this point is perhaps longer than a normal episode but suffice it so say that my illness created a choice and we gave the Lord two options to resolve our financial burden and he chose Warsaw IL.  He could heal me to a point that I could return to full-time work at an office, or we would need to move somewhere cheaper to live.  Needles to say the Lord at this point did not choose the healing avenue as I hoped he might.  Yet I look forward to the move.  This is how the Lord works.  He brings opportunities into our lives in unique ways so that we know he is involved in our lives.  However, speaking of healing and the healing process, and since my mind has been occupied regularly as of late with healing, I am going to take a few thoughts from a previous episode that aired almost 4 years ago.  I found such valuable information for myself in listening to it again.  By the way, if you have a moment please send this onto a friend or family member who might need help.  Or if you don’t really know anyone but would still like to help like or heart this episode in your social media.

In ancient times, there was a curative balm from the area of Gilead in Israel.  It had various medicinal qualities and uses including as a perfume.  The phrase balm of Gilead however became synonymous with healing.  The word healing in the English language has come to represent a host of meanings and ideas and in many definitions and in our own experience has taken upon a mystical quality.  Almost everyone understands that healing is a process of chemical forces and natural causes at work in our bodies, but our actual experience is more about an unseen force.  We can’t see the antibodies working or the pain killer slowing the communication in the nervous systems synapsis. What we feel and see outwardly just happens.  We associate it with a pill, an exercise, a blessing, repentance perhaps but in the end, the actual process is simply more nebulous and closeted to our minds, making the process of healing from an experience point of view more mystical.  There is a kind of faith and hope to almost all types of healing even when that healing comes from a pill or a surgery.  We certainly have greater faith in certain types of healing depending upon our culture, education and background.  In the end, when we desire healing, we desire the Balm of Gilead to work its magic and we are not always concerned with how or why.  

Generally, when we discuss healing with one another, we are talking about outcomes more than a processes.  Meaning we rarely focus on the process and we concern ourselves more with the moment our life can be put back in order.  We talk about removing a cast, a negative test, when we have stopped coughing or limping.  Most of the time in our hurry up societies, we really don’t want a process, we want the outcome and we want that outcome to be easily obtained.  We needn’t be bothered by the process, we want to get on with life as it once was.  As we become afflicted with illnesses we tend to turn to quicker processes first and then look to those that may take more effort and time, even if the ones that take time might be just a little more effective. For instance taking a pill rather than adjusting diet and exercise.  The process to us is just something we have to endure to get to the sunny side of the mountain.  Like drinking that terrible cough medicine.  We are often not very concerned about the process unless, unless it involves significant pain, time, work, trouble or interruptions to our lives.  If process side effects exist such as a dry mouth, fatigue, night sweats, or pain, we might stop and think and weigh them based on the illness and the outcome and whether we can live with the illness or must endure the side effects.  

Of course, because healing tends to be more mystical or unseen, there exist a host of good and not so good information sources about cures.  The market for cures and healing is endless and contains bias problems, incorrect information, good and bad marketing and a host of other influences on the mystical side of healing.  It is strange in some ways that we tend to reach for cures offering easy fixes and quick healing even if the information or source might be vague or slightly questionable.  We also tend to value a person’s experience with the cure and tradition over something that is new to us.  We also tend to believe what suits our culture, beliefs, and social leanings.  So healing is often far more than just the science, healing for us as humans seems to require belief as in the sense of faith or religious belief.  This is true if the problem is a broken leg or a problem with mental illness.  Except that mental illness presents a greater healing problem for the suffering person.  I can see the hairline crack on the x-ray, or the high level of lipids on my triglycerides test.  So in some sense, I am going to have a definitive end to my healing.  The x-ray or test will show that end.  Mental illness does not have such a hard number test and its origins for any one person may differ significantly.  So when we talk about healing in the sense of a mental illness, the world of healing and cures is often far vaguer, the sources far sketchier, the science far more subjective and the medicine involves far more practice than application.

Then there is the outcome itself.  What does it even mean to heal or to be healed in the sense of mental illness?  One might think that most of us have a good grasp of the idea.  However, that is often far from the truth.  Often the outcomes we expect and the one we look to obtain is far different than what can be expected and what can even be real.  Can someone who has had clinical depression for decades ever really be healed and return to normal?  Can a bipolar experienced person, suddenly become healed without any residual impacts to life and learning?  What does healing mean in the sense of mental illness?  Does it mean all my symptoms have been removed?  Does it mean my symptoms and any residual problems that I may have learned or encountered?  Does it mean symptoms, residual problems and any skills I should have learned but didn’t because of the illness, such as social awareness skills and other interpersonal skills?  Does it also mean the healing of symptoms, residual problems, unlearned skills and my relationships to others?  Can I add to all of that spiritual healing, relearning how the Spirit talks to me, reworking my spiritual relationships? What should be my expectation of healing?  When we start this process of healing, I don’t think that we really take into account what it means to be healed from a mental illness.  I think that for the most of us, it is about symptoms and I agree that symptoms healing is incredibly important but as you can see from my questions healing is about so much more than one’s symptoms.  Mental illness is so much more than symptoms.  It creates problems, difficulties, habits, and unlearned skills.  It is about learning to function in a different reality and that can be hard, much harder than one might think it to be.  Now I hear you saying well I would like to try some of that difficult healing.  I agree, hard is good if it leads somewhere better.  But if you are not ready for the difficult, it can be bewildering and defeating to begin the process and see that the road ahead is far more difficult than you might have expected.

So what should someone expect from the healing process and the outcomes?  Let’s start with the outcomes and expectations. What you should expect from healing from an expectations point of view.  Many of our expectations of healing come from media and others who may have traveled the healing road.  But for the most part, at least for me, I had no idea what to expect.  I wanted the symptoms removed and I hadn’t thought any further than that point.  I had not thought about what it meant to have my symptoms removed and then how I would transition my life from a significant mental illness to “normal” whatever normal would be for me.  I failed to see the shift in realities that would occur, the changes in my relationships with my children and my wife, the changes and learned behaviors that I would have to now learn, the spiritual changes that would need to occur, and the many other residual and secondary issues that followed.  Removing the symptoms in some senses was the easy part of the process, for me that occurred through several priesthood blessings.  What followed those blessings proved to be far more difficult.  Now I understand that my case is rare, so I would like to pursue expectations in a little different format than my own personal experience with additional insights from what I experienced.

I will start with the very beginning, the primary expectation.  I think for most people the primary purpose of seeking treatment is full removal of all symptoms.  I have never really met anyone who has sought treatment to just reduce the symptoms in small ways but really wanted to keep some of the mental illness in their life.  However, the truth is that for most people the final outcome will be some type of state between the current mental illness and full removal and that state will continue to vary over time.  The first expectation someone should have of healing is that the healing process is not a journey with a destination and an end.  Meaning that the healing journey is likely to be more about the journey than any one particular end.  Our expectation should be more about process management not destination management.  That will be a philosophical change for most people.  We also tend to expect that our feelings will return to a more normalized state, something akin to what we had before.  In almost every case, that will not be the case.  We are more likely to be in a quasi-emotional state, with some minor symptoms remaining with most of the symptoms removed to a certain extent.  It is also unlikely that we will ever say that we have reached the point of complete healing.  Now that might sound discouraging at first but if approached with a better understanding of the expectations, we are less likely to leave the road of progress and also be happier with our progress.  Expectations should also be more about returning to life activities more than feeling completely whole.  Even if that means only returning to them partially.

So our expectations should be more focused on process and management of the illness rather than a full cure and return to what once was.  This doesn’t mean that the best you can hope for is just some minor improvement.  Many people find that with good management techniques and correct expectations they can reach a very fulfilling state of life.  So what should you expect personally.  That will depend upon many things including your management techniques, willingness to alter or try new techniques to find the right ones, willingness to plan and to stick to the plan, your life goals, what the illness has removed from your life, ability to learn new skills, ability to adapt to changing conditions and willingness to laugh at oneself and the last one is important.  Taking everything too seriously in the sense of trial and error can be detrimental to the entire process.  To be able to laugh and say well that didn’t work very well and to dust off and to try again is going to be the best thing for you.  What I will tell you as you take this journey with the Lord is that you will find that the process is revealing, humbling, troubling and all together more celestializing that you will every realize.  What will your final management point be, the end goal?  The end goal is to regain many of life’s activities you once enjoyed, maybe not in the same way or form and to be able to function within society and the church without significant difficulties.  Your expectations should be more about improvement not removal of symptoms.  With good management, symptoms will tend to fade to points where they don’t occur as often.

With mental illness, healing is far more about the process.  As I have said we often think of the process as something we just have to endure.  And while it is true from perhaps a more worldly perspective that the process is miserable and difficult and just something we have to endure.  From the eternal perspective, the process is often more important than the healing itself.  In fact, the Lord often gives us trials in life so that we can learn from the process of healing.  The final outcome, healing or removal of the trial itself teaches us very little about ourselves, but the process can provide such valuable experiences that the Lord will tailor the weakness to the individual so that he can tailor the healing experience.  

I often think of it this way.  Nephi, Sam, Laman and Lemuel passed through the exact same trying experiences together meaning that most everything they experienced along the path of the process was similar.  Yet their outcomes were entirely different from one another.  This is why the process matters very much.  You can pass through mental illness like a Laman and Lemuel, kicking and screaming all the way as it were.  Or you can pass through the trial of mental illness like a Nephi and Sam and find meaning, personal development, spiritual development and refinement and in the end be what the Lord intended you to be.  It is how you approach the process that will make the difference.  Now before I get too far into this process, I am going to let you in on a little secret.  Nephi was not entirely perfect and Laman and Lemuel were not entirely evil, so just because some days you are kicking and screaming and others you seem to have a better outlook don’t think that a few days of kicking and screaming doom your progress and the entire process.  I think that kicking and screaming are part of the learning process, we just need to progress beyond those base emotions.

That is the first part of preparing for the process.  Our perception of the illness must change from kicking and screaming to a learning process.  This takes time.  We don’t just wake up one day and say I’m ready to see my illness as part of my progression.  There are things that need to be in place before that change can begin and develop.  The first is a sure determination or at least a great hope that Father in Heaven and the Savior are involved, and not just watching from a distant sideline but involved in every detail of the process.  This is called faith in God.  It is a personal sacred trust between us and our Father and Savior that whatever occurs they will be part of the process.  This sacred trust does not appear one day or if we just kneel and pray for it a few times.  Certainly prayer is part of the process and a large part but we need to act in ways that demonstrate our trust and faith to build trust and faith.  We do this by going forth and trying to do our best in keeping the “do not” commandments and the “do” commandments.  Over time our faith and trust will build and the process will move from the kicking, screaming, complaining process to the spiritual development process.   A secondary part of process is the patience and work phase and generally this phase develops along with the faith and trust.  We must do our part with medication, treatment, exercise, diet to keep ourselves within appropriate parameters to manage our symptoms.  We cannot and should not expect the Lord to help us if we refuse to help ourselves.  This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect but honestly trying to do our best and continuing to work to best manage our illness.  The Lord can and does help us with this part of the process but he expects honest effort, trial and error and learning to occur.  He expects us to think for ourselves, weigh the alternatives, talk to others who have experienced the same road, listen to experts and truly use what we currently know and have in the world of science to treat the illness.

Once we have tailored our expectations to managing our illness and begin to focus on the process, we are going to find that healing requires more than removal of symptoms.  Remember all those questions I asked in the beginning of this episode.  In addition to reducing symptoms, and developing our sacred trust in the Father and Savior, we are going to be required to learn new skills, adapt to changing conditions, think in new ways, work with our personal relationships and really heal in all ways.  My experience was enlightening to me and since it is what I know I am going to share some of what I have learned.  Now my symptoms removal and healing occurred over a decade ago.  I was healed by a priesthood blessing at least the symptoms were removed. I am going to share one thing I distinctly remembered from that blessing.  I was told that just because the symptoms were removed didn’t mean that I was healed, that much of the healing would occur after and I would have to work to heal the remainder of my difficulties.  I didn’t think much of it, because I rejoiced with the removal of the symptoms.  But it was not long before that part of the blessing became very important.  The first thing I noticed was that my emotions were entirely different than they ever had been.  I had been living in a rock concert and I was reduced to a quiet forest as far as my emotions were concerned.  I had to relearn how to live within that new set of emotions.  The same will be true for almost everyone and it can be unnerving.  This change of emotions, even though it is good, is one of the reasons many individuals do not stick to medications.  The quick change causes distinct emotional distress.  I was lost for a time within myself trying to understand this new me.  The second thing that occurred is the immediate change in my relationships.  For the most part, people do not change their emotional states drastically and this is especially true when it comes to a new reality and mental illness so they don’t understand the shift at all.  My wife and I had become accustomed to a certain relationship based on my previous emotional states and this did require her to help me in many ways.  In my new reality and set of emotions, I didn’t need the same type of help or as much of it so my new found emotional independence became a problem for the both of us.  Depressed people tend to be clingy for the lack of a better word and because of my depressions I had been clingy in our relationship and she had become accustomed to this.  My new found independence did not need this reassuring and so it felt to her as though I were pulling away emotionally and in the relationship.  We both had to learn how to address the new emotions I was experiencing.  Many couples struggle when one partner has mental illness because mental illness is tough on communication, love, service to one another and on emotional connection but once a couple has established norms within the marriage significant deviations can cause serious problems in almost every area of the relationship.  For the person without mental illness it can be like living with a completely different person when mental illness states change significantly.  Now you might be thinking, isn’t it changing for the better.  Yes for the person who is suffering but for the stable person, the change is the problem and the adjustment to a new person.  They might like that person more but they don’t always know how best to interact with them and the change requires work and reworking of existing behaviors and expectations.  One of the more difficult things about process will be the changing of relationships and the work that is necessary to keep them solid.

The next part of healing and perhaps part of the whole decade was understanding myself.  I had to relearn everything about me in an entirely different state of emotions and mind.  My likes and dislikes changed.  My feelings about my children and wife changed.  My desires toward church and spiritual activities changed.  While I remained Damon and the facts and figures did not change, emotionally and mentally I did.  When you suffer greatly from the effects of mental illness you learn to deal with life in a particular way and when those things are reduced or removed, you must relearn how to deal with life and all that comes with it.  This includes past relationships where the mental illness may have had a troubling effect upon people or situations.  Mental illness creates a trail of history and when the emotional state changes, we have to deal with our history without the benefit of remembering why we felt the way we did or even being able to remember the way we felt.  

This history also included my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior and one of the major points of healing was to heal spiritually.  To see spiritual things in a new light and with a new perspective on life was at times enjoyable and times a struggle.  Many times over the last decade I have felt as though I was relearning things that I should have learned long ago.  I felt as though I was starting over and for me that was a difficult place in my mind. 

I admit for me the last decade or so has been far more work than I ever anticipated and I expect as you begin the process of healing or are in the process of it you are going to find the same challenges I did.  What I wanted most today to emphasize was that healing was and is a process not a destination and that the process is more than just a removal of symptoms, it is healing you life.  Mental illness affects every part of our lives and so in the process of healing we are likely to find that healing extends to almost every area of our lives.  May you find healing in your path.  Until next week.  Do you part so that the Lord can do his.