Episode #243 - Broken Vessels & Eternal Life

Given that mental health awareness month is upon us.  It is important to understand that we are children of God and Christ and broken vessels are the Lord's specialty.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode #243 – Broken Vessels & Celestial Life.  I am your host Damon Socha. I will tell you that the last couple of weeks I have certainly felt the reference to broken vessels Elder Holland so eloquently taught during conference several years ago.  From COVID to a serious episode of depression, I again fully understand how fragile the mortal body can be and just how the chemistry of the body can have dramatic effects without our consent.  In passing through another one of these moments of darkness I was reminded again just how difficult it is to see ourselves as we truly are and can be.  I am going to warn you that today’s discussion will be doctrinal and deep and you might want to listen to this a couple of times.

So today I want to address a topic or a subject that reoccurs frequently in the mind of those who have mental illness and the minds of those who care for them.  Is celestial life and exaltation truly a reality for those who suffer from mental and emotional illness?  The answer is yes but when you have suffered or been a friend or family member to someone who has suffered that answer can quickly turn “yes” to “its complicated” and “I don’t believe so.”  Personally, from one who suffered from bipolar for a significant length of time and now suffers bouts of moderate depression, I can say that at times the answer to that question has felt like a definitive no all too often.  I have known parents, family and friends who have watched brilliant youth succumb to the dark powers of bipolar and then waste away in addiction, wander on strange roads or resolve to ending their life.  The same could be said for depression.  The destructive trail that can sometimes be left in the wake of bipolar and depression can leave feelings of mistrust, misunderstanding, pain and suffering.  I fully understand that the afflicted person is not the only individual who suffers when bipolar and depression seem to take over the mind and soul of another that they love.  I know of many who wonder if their precious child, spouse, friend will ever be able to stand perfect and whole before the Savior when their day of judgment comes.

So today I will start with what Elder Holland stated so well in the October 2013 conference.

I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power.11 I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,” Elder Holland October 2013 General Conference.

The real question is why believe such a reality given the many individuals, especially those afflicted with bipolar, who have found strange roads, mortal darkened pathways and suicidal ends.  What gives me and even Elder Holland so much hope?  I would most certainly say the atonement of Jesus Christ, but you already knew that.  And while that answer is helpful, sometimes that global atonement answer doesn’t necessary calm the doubtful feelings of the heart.  Many times we need more and to understand the how and why.  My personal hope comes from a deeper understanding of mercy and the laws that govern its use and application.  Yes, there are laws that govern mercy.  That shouldn’t be shocking to anyone who lives the gospel.  There are certain actions we must take and requirements we must meet to be able to fully claim mercy.  Mercy is not grace, although the gift of grace allows mercy to be given, because in the end we really don’t deserve the healing powers of the atonement it no matter how much good we do.  Grace is certainly another principle of the gospel and it too has laws and requirements but today we are going to talk about mercy and how that applies to our bipolar and major depressive disorder situation and why I have such hope for those who suffer.

When you talk about the requirements of mercy you must talk about justice.  Justice is the policing of the laws of celestial life.  Afterall the celestial kingdom is celestial because its people obey celestial law, not because of mansions and golden paved roads.  Without justice laws do not exist, for a law that is not enforced in reality does not exist.  Justice is what allows for life and everything we have, see and are and it is what makes God who he is.  Justice allows God to be predicable, consistent, and fair.  All the spiritual beings within the laws of God, know that he is just and will be fair in all his actions and decisions and this allows them to rely upon him to keep all things in order. Obviously, every law of God has a design and purpose.  There exists nothing arbitrary, ad hoc or capricious about the laws of heaven.  Justice is the foundation.

However, justice has some issues in the sense that it cannot bend to the “whys” of a broken law.  Justice is fair and when a law is broken the punishment is enforced and this means that it doesn’t matter the circumstances or understanding of the individual.  When you really think about it, justice appears cold-hearted and unforgiving.  How can you punish someone who fully knows the law and one who does not in the same way?  Justice really doesn’t seem fair in that sense.  This is where mercy enters.  Mercy says justice can have its day and its required punishments, but we are going to allow for vicarious intervention, and a suspension of justice to allow for learning.  This means that another can pay the price for the law-breaker and justice must allow for it.  Justice has been paid.  Justice turns and says that is fine but you mercy still have a problem.  How do you I justice trust someone who has broken a law?  How can that individual be trusted not to break it again?  They broke it once and there is no guarantee that they won’t break it again.  Breaking a law makes them more susceptible to breaking it again.  Mercy then says I understand justice, I will invoke requirements so that once I am done teaching the individual, I can fully state that they will be obedient to celestial laws.  There will be no difference from one who has never broken the law to the one who has learned through breaking it and submitting to the repentance requirements.  Justice then says fine with me.  If you can assure me, then I will accept the vicarious intervention.  However, that will take a very unique individual.  For that individual could never break even one law of heaven or he would be disqualified and untrustworthy.  However, the same individual must fully understand the breaking of the law or sin as it is called and fully comprehend how to rehabilitate the person.  In addition, justice requires a just renumeration for the pain, suffering and damage caused to the victim.  This addition price must be paid and accounted for.  That individual must make reconciliation for all and then sort out all the various accounts payable and receivable for each individual.  Mercy says, fully understood and I already have that person ready to accomplish the task.  Jehovah qualifies and will complete the required payment and then institute a set of laws and requirements to obtain forgiveness, justification and then sanctification.  

That is the basis for the atonement.  You see requirements for justification, which is the payment for sin, and the sanctification, which is the assurance that the individual will no longer commit sin, have been settled long ago through this eternally intertwined agreement between justice, mercy and an atonement.  The question is what are the requirements for mercy and what entitles a person to justification and sanctification?  I realize again that entitled is not the right word in a sense that we really don’t deserve mercy.  Mercy is a loving gift from the Savior, a gift that has some requirements.  While the gift is free to us in the sense that nothing bars us from obtaining it, it is not free in the sense that we can ignore the ordained requirements.  Now why is this discussion so important to bipolar and depression.  Because it is mercy’s requirements that give me so much hope.

Mercy’s requirements begin with the idea that it really isn’t fair to punish someone that doesn’t understand the laws of justice, whether they have never heard them or they cannot comprehend them.  The prophets have clearly stated that mercy applies to all those who have not had the gospel preached to them or who cannot comprehend it.  Mercy also requires that all who did not receive such teachings in mortality must receive them and accept them in the spirit world.  And in so doing all must eventually accept all the covenants associated with the gospel.  No one obtains celestial life without them.  Even children who died before the age of eight will eventually take upon themselves these covenants. They will just do so during the millennium. That is a requirement of mercy.  Now when we say that “all must receive them and accept them” it means that the requirement of mercy is that we must eventually learn celestial laws and live them perfectly.  Mercy does not give anyone unwilling to fully live celestial laws entrance into celestial life, it cannot, justice would not allow it.  However, that is the simplicity of mercy.  Enter into covenants, obey commandments and learn to be celestial and mercy will fully cover the accounting errors.  Yes we must repent and ask for forgiveness but that is also part of the commandments.

Now for the part that truly gives me hope when we discuss mental illness.  One of the major benefits that mercy provided and where justice often fell short was the ability to review the why of the sin and the individual’s understanding of gospel truths.  It makes a big difference to mercy if I kill someone purposely or by accident.  It also makes a big difference if I understand the gravity and nature of killing someone, meaning I comprehend why it is wrong, or I do not.  You could even divide the accidental case of killing someone in an accident that was caused by reckless behavior or by simple wrong time wrong place.  What we see with mercy is that the Lord can truly consider each sin based on our knowledge, experience and understanding.  Mercy can balance the scales as it were so that the punishment and blessing fit the action.  

When we consider mercy from this perspective the issues surrounding bipolar and depression become far clearer when it comes to obtaining celestial life.  First let’s understand that when we decide between what is right and what is wrong we use our feelings.  Yes there is some rational influence but we generally do what feels right and true.  Our emotions and feelings are the driving forces in our lives.  We rely on guilt to tell us when we have done wrong.  And we rely on peace and happiness to define what is right.  This is especially true when we consider spiritual and moral laws.  What we feel to be true most often is what causes us to act in specific ways.  As I have said frequently we are emotional beings and it is our emotional nature that drives our actions with some rational influence.  As we grow in the understanding of truth, our emotional nature or our driving force will alter to accept that truth.  This is especially true as we use the gift of the Holy Ghost which changes our nature to include the truth we have learned.  The change of nature or change of heart as it is referred to in the scriptures is this process by which we come to the knowledge of truth through the Holy Spirit over a period of time changes our core nature to include that truth.  This is how the people of King Benjamin were able to say that they no longer desired to sin.  In that case, through carefully preparation and a miracle their natures were changed.  That is the same process we use, preparation and small miracles, but our change is often much slower and less perceptible.  It is incredibly important to fully understand how our natures our change and how our emotions drive us to act according to that nature.  

Now let’s talk a little about our mortal bodies.  Mental or emotional illness causes chemistry in the body to alter our physical emotions.  In my experience, this altering of the physical chemistry in the body and brain causes the emotions we feel as depression and mania.  However, I do not believe that this physical altering always or ever extends into the spiritual body.  Meaning our spiritual nature or core understanding of truth, tends to stay unaltered, while our physical emotional nature changes to the negative chemistry of the illness.  The conflict between the spiritual core and physical chemistry, for me has been regularly apparent in conflicting feelings and desires.  That conflict I will admit also causes serious pain and suffering to occur.  It also causes a great deal of confusion in the mind and heart.  It causes questions about belief, truth and doubt about the core elements of who we are as a person.  When you cannot feel truth, confusion reigns in the soul like pounding waves in a violent storm.  Also this is important to note, it is very difficult to distinguish between the physical bodies emotions and the spiritual emotions.  That is because our spirit causes emotions to rise in the physical body.  Our spirit is patterned after our body and uses similar pathways to direct emotion and desire.  However, our mortal body’s chemistry can be altered by genetics, trauma and other experiences and run contrary to our core spiritual direction.  We recognize this as the feelings, pains, darkness, anxieties that come with the illness.  My personal belief is that these feelings arise because our spirit and mortal body are running contrary to one another.  The spirit is directing one set of emotions and the physical body is directing an entirely opposing set of emotions.  The conflict causes the pain and suffering in the body.  I also believe that when we abandon our core spiritual truths, the conflict eases and we can feel somewhat better because our chemistry and spirit are in alignment.  However, this will cause a significant increase in distress when the illness abates and we will truly feel lost.  Abandoning our spiritual core beliefs is never the answer, even when it might bring a peace in the chemistry.  Our core beliefs will eventually return to us as they always do, and the abandonment that once felt good will tear us apart emotionally and physically.

Now, we know and understand that depression and mania cause serious issues with identification of truth or our core spiritual feelings and the maintenance of the emotions necessary to feel truth. When your physical chemistry and spiritual core conflict and you are in significant emotional distress, short-term solutions can quickly become enticing because you can’t distinguish the truth of them.  Your ability to identify what is true and differentiate between good and evil can and does become skewed.  Rationally you know what is right but emotionally you cannot feel it.  Rationally you know what you felt in the past but in the moment you cannot feel the same message or emotional drive and direction.  It is not that your core emotions have changed but that the altering of the physical chemistry impedes those emotional messages and changes the emotional reality of the moment.  There is often deep confusion and indecision as to what is right as you can sometimes feel both the negative messages of the body and more mild messages of the spirit.  The Spirit speaks in whispers and the chemistry of the body speaks with a megaphone and so it is very easy to become lost in what you really believe and trust.  What is interesting about all of this is that if you were to remove the altered chemistry brought on by the illness, I can tell you that the correct motivations, emotions and desires, your spiritual core emotions would return quickly.  I know because I have experienced just that.  Doubting the existence of God to full emotional belief in a matter of days or weeks. When the illness is not present in the sense that it isn’t altering the emotional balance, truth appears quite clearly but when the illness is active, truth really becomes far more subjective and confusing.

Understanding this nature of the illness is important to the understanding of mercy.  We know mercy applies when individuals cannot understand or have not been taught the truths of the gospel.  Mental and emotional illness places individuals in a strange quasi world of knowing the gospel but unable to feel the truth of it.  Rationally the gospel is understood but emotionally it is not accessible.  Because we are emotional beings who rely upon our emotions to direct our actions and understanding of wrong and right, we can end up choosing poorly.  As illness continues to affect our lives day after day and week after week, our moral and spiritual decision making can become increasingly difficult. When everything you do feels like sin, in the case of depression, or everything you do feels right, in the case of mania, your sense of wrong and right can quickly become engulfed in a world of unknowns and doubt.  You can hold on rationally for a time but even then without confirmation of wrong or right by emotional understanding, your footing becomes weak and without substance.  In a sense you can become emotionally unable to recognize what is right and wrong.  

When our minds and emotions are unable to function in a normal sense with our spiritual nature, we become temporarily unable to distinguish spiritually and emotionally what is true.  We become blinded in a sense from the truth.  It is a temporary blinding but often these dark and difficult moments lead to strange roads, filthy waters and often suicidal tendencies and actions.  But all these pathways are driven by altered temporary feelings and emotions.  Those roads can even feel right and true.  Suicide can feel right when your emotions have been sufficiently altered for a period of time.  Is suicide ever the right path, of course not, but when your emotional state is altered so is your judgment of right and wrong.  I believe many individuals who commit suicide have done so believing fully that it was the right decision.  Often suicidal individuals become calm and peaceful just before they commit suicide.  How can peace and suicide exist together?  That is the emotional reality of the illness.  But it also demonstrates that the individual is not in the emotional state to be able to choose right and wrong.  They are in a sense identical to children who do not comprehend good from evil.  This is a condition covered by the mercies of Christ and his atonement.  So I personally don’t believe that individuals committing suicide because of depression or bipolar will be held accountable for that act.  That is how I view mental illness and celestial life.  The temporary blindness and confusion, along with the suffering and pain will be taken into account when the judgment occurs in our lives and the Savior will not hold those who suffer fully accountable for actions taken while under the influence of mental and emotional illness.  I hold onto this promise of mercy and the Savior’s promise that he will take our yoke upon him.  All of those moments of suffering, darkness and pain will be made up through the mercy of the atonement.  I would like to end today with the same quote that I used to start this episode from Elder Holland.

I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power.11 I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,” Elder Holland October 2013 General Conference

Until next week may the mercies of Christ atonement flow into your life and may you find peace. May you do your part so that the Lord can do his.