Episode #238 - The Path of Discipleship

We so often in our lives want to define our personal path of discipleship and then tell the Lord what the blessings should be.  Yet that is not the definition of a disciple.  It is He who determines our path and so often his path is nothing like ours.

Transcript

Episode #238 – The Path of Discipleship. We often hear this phrase in our lives and as we study the principles and doctrines of the gospel.  We talk about following in the master’s footsteps and listening for his voice in our lives.  We talk about a covenant path, a plan of salvation and exaltation, plan of happiness.  When we listen at conference or read the scriptures we hear such terms as obedience, faith, endurance, hope, happiness and joy.  But in all of this what is the practical application.  What does a path of discipleship mean in practical terms.

Let me tell you a story about young man and his path.   He was born into a good family.  Meaning he had all of the advantages of a stable home life.  He was taught the principles of the gospel and learned about the path of discipleship.  He formed dreams and hopes for his life based on what he knew.  His planned path followed those covenants and responsibilities he had learned were important to the Lord.  Baptism, confirmation, priesthood ordinations, endowment and temple covenants, missionary service, marriage and family were his path.  He had no doubt that the Lord would provide.  Early in his life he noticed that he was somewhat different than others.  Emotionally, mentally he didn’t respond as others but he wasn’t too concerned about it.  And then it happened, life got a little more difficult and so did the emotions.  The path no longer seemed as certain but he moved forward anyway determined to serve a mission and to keep on the path.  The mission proved a refiners fire and far more difficult than he had ever expected.  His expectations of missionary service were shattered by the emotional trauma of mental illness.  It would take him many years to even come to terms with it and speak of it.  Despite this setback he moved forward with marriage, school and children.  It was his hope to be a chemical engineer.

School proved another refiner’s fire with significant stress.  Coursework requirements, family responsibilities and church proved to be too much.  Chemical engineering was not going to be possible.  A seminary calling proved to be too much to handle during those days and so he resigned himself to a general sciences degree, not knowing where to go with his career.  Several children and jobs later and several moves from place to place all across the west coast and he found himself in a familiar place.  His father was a general contractor and he was now managing commercial construction.  However, the stress and nature of construction and project management did not match well with his problematic mental illness.  He had been suffering with bipolar for years and had prayed for relief far more times than could be counted easily.  He desired relief and after hundreds of blessings that relief came in one simple priesthood blessing.

He thought that blessing would cure all his problems and yet it left him with more than he knew.  The illness was gone at least the severe nature of it.  But it left him with much to learn about himself and so it would be another 15 years before he was able to fully reconcile his emotional difficulties.  

Construction did afford him a change of position but it would be self-taught.  During these difficult days eight children were born. More than 20 moves from place to place occurred and emotional difficulties continued to plague him regularly.  Once the bipolar was removed a new phase came forth and he was diagnosed with autoimmune diseases that were to limit him for many years costing him several employment opportunities.  The path he had chosen initially was most certainly not the path of discipleship he was asked to follow.  The path he had planned was nothing like the path he had walked.  The covenants came and so did the responsibilities but the mental illness altered that path over and over again.  So much so that he began to question the very purpose of a path.  What does a path matter if I can’t ever achieve it he would say.

I know a wonderful beautiful sister who was on the verge of missionary service and who through an accident that brought head trauma and ultimately mental health concerns her path of discipleship was altered.  I know many wonderful sisters who have not been able to marry.  Others who cannot have children.  And still others affected by serious life altering illnesses, injuries whose path is uncertain.  So many alter paths and altered plans.

So often when we think about the path of discipleship our expectations are that the Lord will provide for these righteous desires, covenants and blessings in our lives.  That if we live our covenants, he will provide the blessings we desire and the pathway we would like to travel.  Sure we expect a few bumps in the road and a few tough days and so we know that our personal path will be altered a little hear and there.  And yet the pathway of discipleship does not seem to be connected to a life of ease and consistent happiness.  In fact, if we find out anything about the path of the disciple, it is that the path is nothing like we ever expected.  It can feel as though we have entirely lost control of our own lives and we are living some type of alternative reality.  A new reality that we did not choose.  We look to God and ask why.  Is my path so wrong?  Did I not feel right about my path?  Why am I here when I really felt I should have been over there?  We can even begin to question whether God is directing our path.  Our path can feel very random, haphazard and undirected as if we are wandering in the open sea without land or stars.  That science is right that somehow we are stuck on a whirling accident of chemistry and explosions.  Why does life often feel so beyond our control.  I have pondered this much over the last several weeks.  And one thing I have found to be true for almost everyone who suffers from mental illness.  This was most certainly not the path they had chosen.  And the second thing I learned has been that the expected path of discipleship and the real path of discipleship rarely if ever marry up to one another.

It seems for the most part in our lives that we have one path of expected discipleship and another path of divine discipleship and these two paths often seem entirely different in their nature.  Now we do expect bumps and some bruises in our intended path but we expect to remain in the path we have anticipated.  We rarely expect to be asked to accept an entirely different path in our life.  Not just a different path but a difficult one that we have no way of knowing what our future holds and rewrites who we are.  What is most interesting about the path of discipleship is that we tend to think that we dictate through our agency and our desires what this path should be and yet that is not the role of the disciple.  The disciple may ask and even plead with the Lord about the direction of the path but it is the Lord who decides what his disciples need.  Afterall we are not Lords ourselves but disciples of a Lord who knows best.  And yet we still fight for our vision of discipleship with anxious anticipation of what will come.  So often our vision and the clashing vision of the Lord cause us deep concerns and even deeper questions.  It can even cause us pain, suffering and questioning if discipleship is what we really want.  However, most of our pain is quite simply the pains of pride.  We are essentially telling an omniscient God what his plans should be for us and why they should be that way.  Most often we are not excited about the Lord’s plans for us because they test our weakness, try our deepest concerns, cause us to walk by faith rather than sight.  They are simply not easy or expected.  And so we keep attempting to walk our path of discipleship and the Lord’s chosen path rather than simply accepting what the Lord is asking us to follow.  The disconnect and the effort we place upon walking our personal path causes us serious distress.  Until we fully accept the path the Lord asks us to walk we will always have conflict within our souls. 

Does this mean that we accept our fate and our illness and just suffer until we die?  I don’t think that is the intent of the Lord.  Yes we should accept the illness as a part of the path we are expected to walk.  However, this doesn’t mean we can ask for relief or healing as that path progresses.  We can and should accepting what the Lord gives as part of our path.  I have struggled more recently with this idea of the Lord’s path and my path.  Realizing that I continue to hold onto a path long determined in my personal plans that is not part of the Lord’s path.  I continue to seek to determine my own path and walking the Lord’s.

I don’t think it is a problem to determine our path.  The Lord’s asks us to do that in our lives.  He asks us to prepare and to plan for the path ahead.  To make decisions about faith, spouse, family, friends, careers  and so many other things that make up the practical and spiritual matters of life.  We can plan and then move forward expecting that if the Lord has a separate plan we are expected to change direction.  I have felt determined many times in my life about the direction I should take and what I should do and have received confirmation that what I felt was right only to have the Lord take the reigns and adjust the direction and the pathway I was to travel.  Sometimes it was minor and other times a major redirection.  And I admit that my life plans have been nothing like I expected.  And those moments of redirection have been disillusioning and discomforting regularly but it is so very interesting how important they might be.  As I look beyond the discomfort I see the direct hand of the Lord but it is rare that I see his hand during the convulsions in my life.  Most often I see that path most clearly behind me.

I have often asked why my mental illness and autoimmune diseases had to be part of my path.  I could certainly have done a much greater work without them.  And yet I don’t know that I would have the same relationship with the Lord as I do.  Can I choose a personal path of faith and then tell the Lord what my blessings must be?  That doesn’t sound much like a disciple.  And so I must conclude that the path I am on is the one the Lord has chosen for me.  I don’t think that walking the new path is as difficult as leaving behind the expectations of our personal path.  I think far too often for me, I would have been much happier accepting the Lord’s invitation to walk the path he had chosen and arrange my life to his path rather than trying to convince the Lord that the path I had personally chosen was the correct one.

It is not easy to leave behind expectations especially when those expectations may be of a righteous desire to do more for the Lord.  But I have come to fully believe that we find the greatest happiness and joy when we accept the path the Lord has chosen and work with him on how we are to walk it rather than to hold onto pathways that in the end would not likely have led to where we wanted.  To have your life entirely rearranged and to walk an unknown path with confidence in the Lord is perhaps the most difficult lesson in life.  We must be willing to accept divine help and direction even when that direction may appear suddenly and abruptly upend our lives.  This type of acceptance of the Lord’s path is what we call conversion and it takes time and effort.  We are more likely in our lives to slowly adjust to the Lord’s chosen path rather than a sudden and complete change of heart.  And that is also part of the process.  But I can tell you there is great peace and joy in accepting the pathway the Lord has chosen for you.

I personally hope that in the chaos we sometimes call life you are able to see the Lord’s hand in where you are in your life.  I hope that he will bring to you peace knowing that he sees the end from the beginning and that in his hands and on his chosen path we will find the greatest solitude and joy.  Until next week, accept your part and allow the Lord to do his.