Episode #231 - Simon Peter

Sometimes we find ourselves doubting that we can complete our foreordained mortal missions because we experience emotional and mental illness.  That somehow our illness has thwarted our divine purposes.  This idea is simply not true.  The Lord made accommodations for our divinely instituted weaknesses and has provided everything necessary that we may accomplish our missions and do so while working with him through our weakness.

Transcript

Episode #231 – Simon Peter.  I am your host Damon Socha.  Today we are going to start with a short story about Simon Peter.  I hope that you will forgive my alliteration of the scriptural record.

It had been a very long week and even a longer night. Peter’s mind was spinning and depleted.  He was bitterly disappointed in himself.  He had done exactly what he swore he would not do.  How could he face the other apostles?  How could he face his wife? He had denied the Christ during the process of the Atonement.  He had impetuously cut the ear of one of the guards sent to take Jesus, an arresting offense.  He like everyone else deserted the master when Jesus was arrested.  He had attempted to hide himself among the crowd, to see what would happen to the master.  He had allowed his emotions to get the best of him and in a few weak moments so that he could be nearer the Savior he had denied him repeatedly.  Nothing could erase his memory of the Savior’s loving eyes when he realized what he had done.  To say he had wept bitterly was an understatement.  He was inconsolable. He did not know what to do or where to go.  He knew that the Chief Priests were still looking for him, but in some ways he didn’t care.  Perhaps it would be better to die now than to have to face the master.  Certainly someone else would be called to lead.  How could he be the rock when he felt so much like sand?  It felt doubtful that Peter could even be an apostle.  He didn’t know what to do but he couldn’t stay in the open. 

Eventually he found the other apostles.  Grateful to see him they embraced him.  But he didn’t feel much like one of them.  He simply laid down.  Much discussion took place about what was to happen now that Jesus was gone but Peter wanted nothing of it.  The Sabbath finally came and Peter who had not seen much sleep was finally able to rest.  The women woke him early to see if he desired to go to the tomb but Peter could not even think about seeing the body.  Even the thought of it brought back that night of denial.  Besides his cutting of the ear of the servant would most certainly have caused a writ of arrest to be issued.

Suddenly, the women were back.  Talking about seeing an empty tomb and angels.  While Peter did not want to see the body, he would certainly protect it.  He and John ran to the tomb only to find it empty.  He could not understand who would do such a thing.  Now not only had he denied the Savior, he failed to protect the body and its resting place.  Peter returned home.  Almost as suddenly as the women had come before, Mary Magdalene, appeared and began reciting what Peter thought must have been some type of vision rather than reality.  She said that the Savior was alive and would meet them in Galilee as he had stated previous to his death.  Peter did not dare to hope in that moment.  And then suddenly, the Savior was there before them.

Peter like the others felt his hands and feet.  He knew it was real.  The Savior was alive.  Yet this only compounded his feelings of worthlessness and weakness.  How could he even serve in any capacity again?  He waited for the Savior to release him and call another.  He waited for what he expected would be the Savior’s reproval of his actions and his leadership.  Neither came and the Savior left them.  He was more confused as ever.  While he rejoiced in the resurrection of the Savior and to see him alive, he mourned over his actions.  He would never be able to forgive himself. 

He traveled to Galilee with the other disciples still troubled by his actions that fateful night.  Again he saw the Savior with Thomas present but again the moments were all to fleeting.  The Savior spoke with him in loving and kind tones but no mention of his denial.  Peter was distraught.  He did not know what to do.  If he was not going to lead or be an apostle, perhaps he needed to return to his regular occupation and so he told the other apostles that he was going fishing.  He had hoped that fishing might cure some of his guilt and depression.  And so he had gone fishing.  It hadn’t worked.  He was tired, exhausted and didn’t feel any better.  He and the other apostles began rowing towards the shore.

Suddenly, someone from the shore was calling.  It was still a little dark to see who it was but often individuals would come to the shore looking for fish to buy.  He asked if they had obtained any fish.  Peter couldn’t even answer.  Then the curious individual told them to cast the net and not just cast it but to cast it on the right side of the boat.  At this Peter almost exploded.  He was tired, out of his normal fishing grounds and ready to just sleep.  John sensing something was happening encouraged Peter to cast the net.  Fine, he thought, then I can just go home.  With one sweep of the net, the line became tight.  The net began to pull the boat.  They had taken a multitude of fish.  Excitement filled the air and Peter called to the other boat.  John recognized what was happening.  This was not the first time that someone had told them to cast and they had received such a bounty.  John turned to Peter saying it is the Lord.  John had seen Peter’s despair and misery and perhaps they had spoken a great deal about what had occurred.  Peter could then feel it too.  He wanted to talk to the Savior alone.  And with emotional exuberance he threw himself into the water and swam to shore.

There was already a fire and a feast ready for them.  When the other disciples finally rowed the boats to shore and counted fish they were amazed.  Most certainly warm greetings with the Savior were received and they sat down to eat after a long night of fishing.  The conversation was warm and inviting but Peter’s thoughts and feelings betrayed him.  He wondered what the Savior thought of him.  He wondered if he could ever be forgiven?  He wondered if he could ever be whole again.

Then in the presence of everyone, the Savior turned to Peter.  Peter, son of Jonas, lovest thou me?  The conversation went entirely silent.  Peter felt his heart race and the pains he previously felt rose to the surface again.  He softly spoke to the Savior with his head down. Yeah Lord thou knowest that I love thee.  Before the silence could be broken, the Savior said, “Feed my sheep”.  What did that mean?  Did he want him to support the ministry fishing?  How did he want him to feed his sheep? 

The Savior paused for a short moment and then repeated the question, “Simon Peter, lovest thou me?” Peter had not expected the question to be asked again.  What did he want?  He knows that I love him.  I need to know if he loves me?  I need to know if I am still called to the ministry.  I need to know what he wants me to do. “Yeah Lord thou knowest that I love thee.”  This time his words were more earnest.  He wanted the Savior to know that he did love him with all his heart.  What he wanted to know was whether the Savior loved him.  The Savior repeated the words again to feed his sheep.

Peter was confused but something began to rise in his soul.  Did the Savior really mean what he was saying?  Am I still the rock upon which the church will be built?  Am I still called to lead and to teach?  Am I still part of his chosen twelve.  Am I forgiven?  Peter gazed upon the Savior with questions in his eyes.

The Savior repeated the question with emphasis on love.  Peter could now see the love in the Savior’s eyes.  He could feel the forgiveness.  He could feel the concern for him.  His reply was filled with joy this time.  When the Savior said those final words, “Feed my Sheep.”  Everyone there knew what he was saying.  Peter was still called, he was still chosen.  He was still loved.

For me, Peter was at one of those crossroads in life that tend to suddenly appear and expose our realities.  Those realities so often involve our weaknesses and most especially those weaknesses that have divine purpose.  I believe Peter truly felt lost, confused and most certainly convicted after the denial.  He felt that he had lost his spiritual life and purpose.  He deeply felt that he had failed his most important mission.

He felt that through his cowardly denials and his impetuous actions with the servant of the Chief Priest, he had permanently stepped out of his foreordained calling.  I believe that when we suffer with mental and emotional illness, we often feel the same in our lives.  We can feel as though we have somehow denied Christ, offended the Spirit and left our promised blessings at his doorstep with some flowers and a note.  We can feel as though we do not deserve to be near him.  That somehow we could be acquaintances with the Savoir but never true friends.  We can feel a consistent distance in our lives as if we are walled in by an impenetrable fence.

I think what Peter failed to understand and what we do as well is that the Lord made accommodations for our weaknesses.  He knew that Joseph Smith would lose the first 116 pages of translation.  He knew that Peter would deny him during the process of the atonement.  He knew that Peter would succeed and then fail on the water.  He knew that Laman and Lemuel would not partake of the fruit of the tree.  And yet what we don’t see in the denial, the lost pages, the defiance is that the Lord makes up the difference.  He allows for Peter’s denial and still be the Prophet and President of the Church.  He allows for Joseph Smith to make early mistakes.  He even makes allowances for those who do not care for his gospel.  He will give them every opportunity to choose, never giving into the idea that they are never going to partake.

In our weakness we spend far too much time worried about what we have done and how weak we are rather than seeing the miracles that the Lord continues to provide.  We tend to see the reasons why we will not enter the kingdom rather than the mercies that allow for it.  Our Father in Heaven and the Savior has never sent anyone to this earth with specific weaknesses that they have not prepared a way for them to return to celestial life.  No matter the weakness or deficiency in our lives.  While we tend to believe that there is a way back, we also tend to believe that there exists only one way back.  And while it is true that the Savior is the only way back, there can be many roads that lead to him.  He has taken into account all the evil that may occur in our lives and has made ample accommodation for the deviations we may take and that includes those deviations that may affect our premortal callings.  The Lord did not call is in the premortal world to specific foreordained callings without providing ample means by which we could accomplish the task.  He did not give us impossible tasks but tasks very well within our spiritual nature.  Otherwise he could never give us weaknesses such as mental and emotional illness and other things such as chronic disease in a just and merciful way.  Yes we have a calling in this life and yes we will complete it and it will be well within our capacity to do.

Unless you rebel to a ripe old age, the Lord will allow for our weaknesses to teach us while we are completing our earthly missions.  He has made those ample accommodations in our lives to allow for what we see as failure.  He knows us and has trained us before this life to fully be able to accomplish our missions.  The Lord knew that we would suffer from mental health issues in our lives.  He knew that we would suffer trauma.  Even an accidental slip and fall that causes our entire life to change was factored into the equation.  We cannot go beyond the boundaries of our premortal calling unless we turn away from the Savior and deny him the ability to work in our lives.

Now on another subject related to our missions in this life, it is important to understand that sometimes the Lord gives difficult weaknesses that cause his children to approach the gospel in different ways.  Meaning quite simply not everyone is going to fit into the molded pattern of the general population of the church.  Yes each of us will have our assigned difficulties in this life but some difficulties will be far more difficult than others because we will have to face life in unique ways suited to our circumstances.  For instance, because our illness deals with emotional imbalances and mental chemistry, and the Spirit most often speaks through our emotions, we need to approach hearing the Spirit in different ways.  We are not likely to feel the Spirit similar to our brothers and sisters, unless they too are affected.  We are not likely to obtain similar spiritual experiences when those around us do.  Our episodes may occur during a spiritual moment for many that is not for us.  Our spiritual experiences will not often align with those of the general church population at least in the sense of how they are received.  We may not always be spiritually aligned in meetings with others.  It can be disconcerting for some individuals when they are not experiencing spiritual evidences similar to those around them.  There is something wonderful about a common spiritual experience.  

But we who suffer regular and sometimes irregular bouts of depression, anxiety and mania may not have many of those common uniting experiences.  There exists no problem with approach the gospel in a way that provides for your illness.  In fact, it is encouraged.  Where the problem does exist is when we compare our experiences to others and find a mismatch in our spiritually defining experiences.  And then we proceed to question our experience because it came to us in a different manner.  The issue is that when we have an emotional or mental illness we cannot compare our spiritual experiences or spiritual nature against someone who does not have our unique difficulties.  Although our mortal and it appears spiritual mind is set up to do so, we should not compare ourselves to others and more especially to their spiritual experiences.  We do this to see if we are “getting it right.”  And while this might serve others well, it is a detriment to our spiritual growth.  It is difficult to compare spiritual experiences when each of us is similarly aligned.  It is impossible to compare when we each experience life very differently through our emotional states.

So let’s face the facts that we are spiritually different for now.  The resurrection is likely to fix those issues but until then we must understand that our particular divine weakness makes us different and comparison to a normal church member is futile in almost every sense.  However, once you understand how to accept the differences, you will become much more able to seek out the Savior and for him to seek you out.  We can’t force spiritual experiences into a particular box or method.  There is great value in having unique perspectives and spiritual experiences.  No one person in the church is going to have all the necessary experience to solve complex mortal issues as they relate to the gospel.  That is why we work in councils and why your unique experiences are important to the Lord.  The Lord needs many voices, perspectives, experiences and insights into how the gospel is working in the lives of the members.  This really means that the Lord needs a variety of weaknesses to suit his divine purposes.  

And so we begin to understand that the Lord has most certainly not left us alone in our misery to simply suffer and die.  He has a divine purpose and foreordination for us to complete while in this mortal clay and he has already considered our divine weakness in his purposes.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t need to work and strive to be his discipline and that all foreordained is guaranteed.  What it does mean is that if we put forth the effort the Lord will provide the path, the strength to accomplish it, and the means by which it will be done.  And that ultimately is the purpose because it allows us to become like him.  May the Lord bless you and help you to find his purposes in you.  Until next week do your part so that the Lord can do his.