Episode #228 - Pornography, Addiction and Mental Health

Phonography addiction is a sensitive subject, and it is one of the least understood from the perspective of mental health.  Individuals who suffer with mental health concerns are prone to addiction due to the nature of the illness and pornography is one of the most accessible drugs within our current societies.  However, you cannot address pornography addiction without addressing the underlying mental health issues.  If you do this you will fail.  When pornography addiction is intertwined with a mental health issue, you must address the underlying issue before you can arrest the addiction.

Transcript

Episode #228 – Pornography, Addiction & Mental Illness.  I am your host, Damon Socha.  So today we are going to discuss a very sensitive topic in the church and our current society, pornography.  So if you are going to listen, I ask you to listen to the entire show before making any judgments.  Here me out and then decide what makes sense to you and your situation.  Today’s discussion will be for both those who suffer with mental health issues and pornography and those who care for them.  Naturally much of this will be applicable to individuals who are addicted but do not have underlying issues with mental health.  But I really desire to emphasize the problem of pornography linked directly with mental health.

I also want to make clear that when I speak about this sensitive topic, I do not speak of anyone specifically.  My perceptions and thoughts on the matter come from a variety of sources and not with any one individual.  I do know people who have serious difficulties with pornography but I promise you that what I know will always remain confidential and private.  Because of the nature of pornography and the addiction that often follows, many individuals within and without the church do not comprehend or attempt to understand the nature of the problem.  But the key to pornography is to understand it.  Not from the sense that you need to experience it but from the perspective of it relates to mental illness and the workings of the mortal brain.  When you come to a more full understanding, I hope that you will find greater compassion towards individuals who are entrenched in one of the most difficult addictions known to man.

Because individuals outside of the world of mental health often lack understanding of additions and because the act of viewing pornography is considered one of the most filthy of habits, it often occurs within the church that individuals who suffer with this addiction are socially branded as leapers with an incurable disease.  Cast out as weak, filthy, dross, and unfit for the kingdom.  We tend to be judgmental to the extreme with those addicted, both men and women.  And strong emotions are all too often expressed in ways that lack any compassion, understanding and empathy for what is occurring. 

Embarrassed, ashamed, feeling worthless and unable to conquer their addictive behavior, most individuals with pornography problems and especially those with mental health problems do not continue within church membership.  So often it has been said to them, when you are humble enough then the repentance will stick and you won’t have these problems.  Or you are just not trying hard enough.  You are not doing everything you can.  Just pray and the Savior will remove the problem.  Not only does this repentance approach lack understanding, but it can give a false sense of hope. That the problem is simply your relationship with the Savior and a few good prayers will work out the solution.  This ignores the underlying problem of mental and emotional illness and what we know about addiction.  When we approach with the repentance, confession, and a few good prayers without understanding the addiction and the underlying mental health problems, it is like trying to patch a leaky roof by repainting the interior ceilings.  For a while things look great, at least until the next storm.

Now I am not saying that the Savior is not the answer to the problem.  He most certainly is.  But if you attempt to treat a pornography problem linked to a mental illness by just addressing the pornography issue, you will likely fail over 90% of the time.  While I admire the twelve step process, it is not enough given the understanding we now have about mental illness, addictions and the doctrines and principles of the gospel.  When you are dealing with mental illness and a pornography addiction, you have to treat both conditions or you will never succeed.  Will power alone will not remove the problem as will power cannot effectively treat the mental illness.  So many times members of the church who suffer with mental illness and confess their addictions to leadership are counseled to repent and to seek the Lord.  And yes certainly do that.  But if you only that you are likely to fail.  Repentance is not the sole issue in the equation.  You must factor in that the brain chemistry has already been altered before the addiction began and during the addiction.  In fact, the addiction is likely a part of the symptoms of mental illness rather than a simple behavioral issue that needs repentance.  When the person returns to a more normal state of brain chemistry through mental illness management, the addiction tends to be far easier to remove and less sticky.  I admit that it can be still be a major effort to combat the addiction, but you can’t fight both the addiction and the mental health conditions with repentance.  That is a losing game that will lead to frustration, darkness and defeat.

So when we are treating depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD and other categories of mental health issues, it is important to understand that the brain chemistry for whatever reason has been altered.  In almost every case, the brain has been altered to produce negative emotional states rather than the more balanced, positive brain chemistry normally experienced.  The negative emotional states might vary between individuals in depth of pain and despair and length of time the symptoms last during and episode but often they have a few things in common.  One they are negative and painful, unrelentingly so.  Two they often last for long periods of time.  And this means months to years.  Three they rarely have a specific reason for existing such as the death of a loved one.  Although deep reasons can exist such as abuse, accidents and other outside causes.  Four they can be very severe.  And five they tend to make hearing and feeling the Spirit of the Lord very difficult.  

Meaning individuals with mental health problems live in an emotional world that makes little sense to them.  They feel pain, depression, darkness and suffering when none should exist.  They cannot remove the emotional negativity and if they do it find temporary relief, symptoms often return with greater force.  In addition, during these episodes it can feel impossible to communicate through the Spirit.  A person can literally feel cut off from God and their own emotions.  The longer an individual remains within the mental health episode, the more desperate for relief the brain becomes. Pain and suffering are exhausting.  Ask anyone who has every suffered a physical ailment, bone break or problem such a as a sprained ankle and they will tell you, pain drains your reserves.  And so does mental illness, the soul becomes physically and spiritually exhausted with the fight.  This leads to an important concept regarding mental health.  

If left untreated the brain will eventually seek out relief from wherever it can find it.  Our brains intuitively understand that they need dopamine as a balancing force to negative chemistry.  As the episode wears on without treatment, the brain will take anything it can obtain.  Even if that dopamine high lasts for only a few minutes.  It seeks it out relentlessly and so often pornography becomes the needed relief.  I know that sounds strange.  But when someone suffering cannot feel the Spirit and feels emotional negativity relentlessly, they already feel as though they are within the boundaries of sin.  The step to something that provides temporary relief from their symptoms is not a large leap.

Why pornography? Pornography provides a unique and powerful shot of dopamine to the brain.  It is a fairly easy drug to obtain and it does provide some relief to the pain and suffering of the episode. Our brains are wired in such a way that when presented with images, sounds, words that simulate sex the brain responds with an increase in libido. This increase is energizing and powerful in the sense of removing pain and suffering. It is in this sense, as a source of medication, that the brain slowly becomes addicted to pornography.  The addiction is not truly the pornography but the drug that is associated with it.  Individuals with pornography issues and mental health problems tend to use it as a source of medication.  However, pornography comes with a terrible side effect as a source of medication.

Spiritually, the individual will suffer as the spirit of the Lord must withdraw his presence.  The withdrawal of the Spirit causes additional darkness, shame, and feelings of worthlessness.  This increases difficulties with mental and emotional illness.  Symptoms increase and augment due to increased stresses upon the mind, heart and soul through sin.  Naturally, the increase in distress causes the brain to seek a source of relief and the vicious cycle begins.  Pornography causes both an increase in distress and symptoms of mental health and is a source of temporary relief for the same.

Even though it is fairly common knowledge that individuals with mental health issues tend to struggle with addictive behaviors, most individuals who suffer do not recognize the hazards of the mental health and pornography usage until it is far too late and they are entrenched within the dark and difficult consequences.  Naturally individuals will seek out solutions to the problem.  Within the church seeking out help is normally accomplished through leadership possessing the keys of judgment.  Meaning they will seek out a bishop or stake president to confess the addiction and to attempt to arrest the problem.  However, pornography in these settings is regularly treated outside of any mental health problems and as simply a behavioral problem.  A problem that simply needs to work through the repentance process.  While the repentance process is an important part, if the pornography issue is addressed without first addressing the underlying problem of mental illness, the repentance process is unlikely to be successful.  Far too many individuals have attempted the repentance process only to find themselves right back where they started, frustrated, defeated, depressed, feeling entirely weak and unable to understand why they cannot progress and move forward.  The more times that repentance is attempted without addressing the mental health issues, the more the individual will fail and then distance themselves from counsel and pressures of addressing the addiction.  Basically, the individual loses confidence in the repentance process and seeks out other sources of relief.  Far too often these sources of relief include removing the social and spiritual pressures associated with church membership and leaving church membership behind.  They do not do this because they don’t have a testimony.  They do so simply to remove the pain and suffering they are experiencing.  They are caught within a vortex of emotional suffering that repentance does not seem to address.  And so they leave the pressures of repentance behind them which temporarily provides relief but in the long term leads to very dark places and people.

To simply suggest repentance, without treating the underlying mental health condition, will cause spiritual death.  That might seem counterintuitive for someone who does not deal with mental health.  Most would say, treat the pornography and the mental health issue will dissolve.  That is entirely false in its understanding of mental illness.  When leaders attempt to counsel with youth or others who suffer from addictions, they should seek a counselor who can determine if a mental health issue is the underlying cause.  If so, then the counsel and discussion needs to take a different path.  The individual must first work on the mental health issue and then the addiction.  Yes they may work on both together but you still shouldn’t get the cart before the horse.  You cannot treat an addiction without treating the underlying cause of mental health.

Many times, it is the nature of church leadership to provide for addiction recovery programs for those who suffer.  And these classes provide valuable insight and direction for those suffering from addiction.  However, they are not built for an individual suffering from mental illness and addictions.  Yes the programs can be helpful, but I suspect not entirely curative to the problem at hand.  We need to understand the root of the problem.  We need lessons on mental illness and spirituality and how it affects our brains and behaviors.  We need lessons that tie mental illness to the doctrines of the kingdom and how we navigate the spiritual world with our illnesses.  We need to understand the why before we can move forward with the solutions.  When we address the mental health concern and the addiction, the solutions are far more effective.  When individuals understand why they respond as they do and what is occurring within their bodies and brains, they are far more likely to succeed.

Now the reality of working with mental illness and a pornography addiction is far from easy.  Because the illness feeds the addiction, it will take a greater amount of time to stabilize the illness and then eventually the addiction.  I will repeat something that I have already said.  Willpower will not be sufficient to overcome an addiction linked to mental health.  One should expect that the addiction will be present until the mental health issue stabilizes.  Many times individuals will need to be stabilized upon medications and counseling before they can even begin to address the addiction issue.  So when we work with individuals who deal with mental health issues and pornography, it is imperative that they be educated regarding their illness and how best to treat it.  They need to understand what is happening in their mind and why their addiction is so difficult and sticky in its nature.  When individuals have knowledge, they have greater power to overcome.  When they understand what is happening from a chemistry and mental illness perspective they can better address the repentance process and allow for the Lord to more effectively work in their life.

Another key element to the mental health addiction equation is support.  One thing that the twelve step process teaches is that to overcome an addiction we need help and support of someone who is emotionally stable.  We someone we can fully trust and who extends love rather than quick judgements.  We need a Savior on earth and in heaven.  We need someone encouraging, loving, quick to forgive and to extend mercy.  The qualities that are needed have already been spelled out in D&C 121: 41-42

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.

When we talk about the priesthood in this sense is means anyone with a responsibility to spiritually care for another.  This includes mothers, fathers, siblings, friends and extended family.  When you read those defining words, one can imagine how difficult it might be for a spouse or others who have been innocently harmed by the addiction.  This type of love is the purest and most powerful.  It removes all selfishness, judgmental thoughts and behaviors and views the one afflicted with mental illness and the addiction as a child of god with capacity to change through the Atonement of the Savior, rather than a social leaper to keep in an isolated colony.

Now it is critical to note that you cannot treat an addiction that the afflicted does not want treated.  For the process of recovery to work both individuals, the support and the supported, must be willing participants.  You cannot force someone to change even in the smallest degree because once the social or familial pressure is removed the sin will return.  That is critical to understand as a member of the church and as family members.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t love or try to help.  It means that attempting to force a person to repent does not work and is actually the methodology of Lucifer.  That is exactly what Lucifer wanted to do, force obedience and repentance.  Force destroys relationships, removes the Spirit of the Lord, and often creates a far greater problem than doing nothing.  I do understand that sometimes our desire for healing and love of another person causes us to step beyond our agency bounds.  We demand change.  We demand repentance or we withdraw our love and help.  Again this is not the Lord’s way.  Even though it may be oriented in love when we step beyond our agency and the boundaries set by the Lord, the problem will almost always grow deeper.  I like the way D&C states the consequences of stepping beyond our agency boundaries.  This is in verse 37 of the same chapter 121.

37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

And yet we cannot simply be permissive and support the addiction.  This leaves us with some narrow middle grounds for what we can do.  I know how difficult it can be waiting for someone to see spiritual light and I also know the pains that it can cause us deep in our soul.  But when we attempt to go beyond those sacred bounds of agency, one can clearly see the consequences in the verse just quoted.

So let us consider what can be done to help ourselves if suffering from the addiction and how others can help us.  First of all from the position of the one who suffers.  The keys to overcoming addiction are humility, coming to the Savior and managing one’s mental health problems.  We must acknowledge that we are incapable of overcoming addiction by ourselves and that we will need some help.  We should definitely include a leader who has keys of judgment.  This means a bishop or stake president.  We should also include spouses and others who have been harmed by the addiction.  Once we have started that process of repentance, we then need to address the mental health problems.  This will likely mean that we will need a counselor and a medical doctor to help treat the illness.  The next and perhaps most difficult task is persistent through adversity.  You are going to fail several times during the process.  The process is likely to take more time than you think it should.  You are going to see your weakness to its very core and it will likely be frightening at first.  You will have friends and family ignore and isolate you.  You may even have leaders and individuals within your church family do the same.  You will walk a road that feels very lonely at times but I promise you that if you are working towards a solution, you are never alone.  These types of problems are when the Savior is at his best.  He knows you deeply and knows exactly how to provide the needed help.  So often when we are in the throws of sin we believe that the Savior must wait until we are entirely finished with our repentance.  That is entirely untrue.  The moment you decide you want to change he is at your side.

Now some things to remember about the process.  It will take time.  It will be frustrating.  You will likely fail a few times.  The key is to never give up even when in your darkest hour.  Remember that Lucifer had you and he doesn’t let go easily and unfortunately he has a way of causing good individuals to be judgmental and disparaging.  And so expect some significant wind resistance during the process.  The key is to recognize the wins and to minimize your failures.

Now for those supporting the one who is afflicted.  You will need to be a Savior on mount zion.  You have a difficult task but with the Lord the burden can be eased.  The first thing you must do is to forgive an forget any harm done to you.  You need to be filled with pure love, compassion and empathy.  You are facing a difficult problem of duality that will take time to unravel.  Not only are you working with someone dealing with problematic mental health issues but an addiction that is intertwined within the illness.  Each one feeding off of the other.  Forgiveness and compassion must always be your first response.  Judgement and condemnation will not serve you well and will only worsen the problem.  You will have to see the afflicted truly as the Savior does.

Let’s say you have a son or daughter who suffers from mental illness and a pornography addiction and they come to you confessing.  What will be your first response?  Far too many individuals have this strange pride well up in their bosom.  It is the emotion of embarrassment, judgment and condemnation.  You new this was wrong, why did you do it?  Don’t you love me?  Don’t you care about your children and family?  What were you thinking? And so many other piercing words that nullify any mercy you might give later.  If you choose to view the problem from your perspective as a parent, spouse, leader, and friend seeing only harm and hurt and you express those selfish emotions of embarrassment you are likely to cause a rift that may never heal.  When someone comes forward with these types of deep-seated problems, they have already found themselves in the pit of despair.  Saying that you are going to leave them in that pit until they learn their lesson is not helpful and is far more likely to be deeply damaging to the relationship..  If we respond is such a way, it is likely they may never come to us again with a problem.  And we may condemn them to many more years of suffering.

When someone comes to us with a problem that is as difficult as mental illness and addiction, the only response that will bring them to the Lord is pure love, compassion and forgiveness.  We must come with how can I help?  What can I do to be supportive?  How can we come together to find solutions to help you?  I promise you that they have already condemned themselves to far greater punishment than you can give them.  What they need is the pure love of Christ and to know that you will help them to find a way back, no matter how long it takes.  Now the same is true for leaders and those who serve these members.  They will come as the prodigal son saying, Father I do not deserve to be called thy son.  And it is our job to place a robe on their shoulder, a ring on their hand, to lift them from the ground and to be utterly grateful that the prodigal has returned.  Is this easy when they have hurt you as did the prodigal to his father and mother?  No because they have broken your trust with them and our minds don’t like that kind of pain.  And so we want to express our feelings by saying I told you so, why did you do this to me, why did you hurt me.  I get it.  I have felt it.  We desire tooth for tooth, pain for pain.  However, as I have frequently stated in this podcast.  Healing does not come from someone asking forgiveness, or from seeing them punished for the pain they cause.  Justice does not provide healing.  Only mercy can provide healing, and the Lord has clearly stated that mercy only comes to those who are merciful.  Healing can only come from the Lord.  So we appeal to the Lord and extend mercy to those who might have hurt us deeply as the Father of the prodigal son did.  The road back home may have started on a dusty road for the prodigal, but healing took place in the home.

Now I have spoken my peace on this topic.  I understand if some do not agree.  But I hope that you will see these individuals burdened with mental health and addiction not as rebellious sinners but as individuals coping with difficult problems that need help by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned, by kindness, and pure knowledge.  May the Lord bless you who suffer and you who aid the suffering.  Nothing in this life is more powerfully connected to the Savior than to take another’s sins and bear their burdens as they heal through the Atonement of Christ.  If you are suffering, reach out, find help and allow a loving Savior to guide you home.  Until next week, do your part so that the Lord can do his.